Falling Feathers
by entity9silvergen
Summary: Jayfeather knows he's going to die. StarClan has warned him and he knows there is no use denying it. Now all he wants to do is make a few last memories with the cats he cares for... Only there is one problem. The cats closest to him are gone and his home is filled with strangers. But there's one cat Jayfeather's always been too afraid to face. His father.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Warriors

**Author's Note:** If you are a new reader, welcome. If you are an old reader, you may know the drill.

Before we begin, I would like to remind you all to look at the genre tags and summary. This is tagged Angst so there will be some mildly darker themes. Note that the summary states that a main character will die. There will also be quite a bit of negative thinking and self-deprecating thoughts. It's really not that bad but if you are sensitive, you have been warned. If not, I hope you will enjoy this story.

This story takes place shortly before the Broken Code and shortly after Leafpool's death.

And now without further ado...

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**Allegiances **(WindClan and ThunderClan only)

ThunderClan

_Leader:_ Bramblestar

_Deputy:_ Squirrelflight

_Medicine Cats:_ Jayfeather, Alderheart

_Warriors:_ Thornclaw, Whitewing, Birchfall, Berrynose, Mousewhisker, Poppyfrost, Lionblaze, Rosepetal, Stemleaf, Lilyheart, Bumblestripe, Cherryfall, Molewhisker, Cinderheart, Blossomfall, Ivypool, Eaglewing, Dewnose, Stormcloud, Hollytuft, Fernsong, Honeyfur, Twigbranch, Finleap, Plumstone, Shellfur, Leafshade, Flywhisker, Snaptooth

_Apprentices:_ Bristlepaw, Thriftpaw, Flippaw

_Queens:_ Daisy, Sorrelstripe (mother of Baykit and Myrtlekit), Sparkpelt (mother of Finchkit and Flamekit)

_Elders:_ Graystripe, Cloudtail, Brightheart, Brackenfur

WindClan

_Leader:_ Harestar

_Deputy:_ Crowfeather

_Medicine Cats:_ Kestrelflight

_Warriors:_ Nightcloud, Leaftail, Brindlewing, Emberfoot, Smokehaze, Breezepelt, Crouchfoot, Larkwing, Sedgewhisker, Slightfoot, Oatclaw, Hootwhisker, Fernstripe

_Apprentices:_ N/A

_Queens:_ Heathertail (mother of Woodkit, Applekit)

_Elders:_ Whiskernose, Gorsetail

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"_They're both my sons, even though neither of them probably wants me for a father. And I don't even know what's going on with Jayfeather."_

~Crowfeather, Crowfeather's Trial (pg 157)

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This feeling was unparalleled. Never had he dreamed that he could touch the sky. Once, he had thought he would spend the rest of eternity underground, far from the sky and too deep for the stars to see him. He always winced at the memory. The tunnels were no place to die but now he was closer to the Silverpelt than ever. He couldn't quite reach it but he could feel the eyes of every star focused on him and only him. Standing on the edge of a mountain peak, overlooking the lush forests and green fields that stretched endlessly before him, filled him with a feeling that was completely foreign to the young tom. The pure emotion that the height and sights had aroused in him…

_He felt powerful. He knew he was. Afterall, he had reached this point. He was looking down at the rest of the world and it felt amazing. Lifting his head and stretching his neck toward the stars, he let out a powerful yowl that rang through the mountains until it died in his throat. He could have purred when he heard his voice bouncing off the stone, echoing through the peaks. His presence was strong. He was real. He had done it. Could other cats say they had done this? Reached this point? He didn't think so. He was on top of the world and nothing could tear him down._

_Placing his paws at the edge of the cool stone, he drew up to his full height and gazed at the horizon. Pride echoed in his chest and bones, resonating even louder than the shrieks of the wind crashing against the mountain ridges around him. Up here, he had a freedom he never experienced down there. It was so exhilarating that he had a hard time finding his breath._

_ Though no matter how great he felt, the tom was only a cat. He was vulnerable to the fears all of catkind held since kitting as well as the cruelty of this lonely place. The wind was freezing, colder than anything he had ever felt before. It buffeted his fur and pierced the warm aura that came from the blood and muscle beneath the skin of any animal under the sun's light carried. It felt like ice was growing on the marrow in his bones. The feeling of the gusts in his fur was an unfriendly reminder that there was no one at his side. No one to shield him from the cold, no one to support him when he struggled to put another paw forward, no one to protect him from whatever dangers lay ahead, no one to love him in the darkest nights. His body shook violently, trying to keep what little heat he had left in him. Or at least that's what he told himself. He was sure it was true, at least in part._

_ The wind hurt like icy claws scratching at his skin but even the sharp gusts weren't the source of the chill settling into his body. His pads burned as they pressed against the frozen stone, the ice behind him yet another reminder that he was in for a long trek ahead, the snow whirled through the air, and clouds blocked the sun. All of it made the cat suddenly became aware of how alone he was. The crevasse he stood in was so isolated, would he ever find his friends in this new, harsh world? As he shivered, a small voice in the back of his mind asked him why he had left his home to come here._

_ But his own sheer will overpowered it and the silent cries fell on deaf ears. The mountains were home now. The ice, wind, and snow would be his friends. They would protect him from the outside world and he would learn to live with them. He needed no one else._

_ He was strong. He had made it here. He would survive. He had to._

_ A shriek sliced through the frozen air, bouncing off the stone surrounding him, making it sound like it was coming from all sides. The tom flattened his ears and crouched defensively, ignoring how his stiff, frosted joints protested as he looked around wildly with wide, fearful blue eyes._

_ If not for the shadow overhead, he never would have seen it coming._

_ Even so, he couldn't save himself._

_ There was contact and the cat was suddenly in the air. Sharp, powerful talons wrapped around his lithe frame, digging deep into his flank. The fur provided no protection and the skin was broken almost immediately but the pain was too sharp for the blood gushing from the wound, staining the surrounding silver fur, to be noticed. The tom yowled in agony and struggled against the tight grip in an effort to escape but to no avail. All he succeeded in doing was driving the talons deeper into his flesh. _

_ The eagle's powerful wings punched the air as they brought the force pulling it down to pull itself high into the leaf-bare sky. It was a hazy gray but the tom didn't notice. The world was a blur and he could hear nothing but the beats of the eagle's wings. He couldn't even hear his own caterwals for help or shrieks of pain. His mind was solely focused on the fact that he was rising higher and higher above the earth._

_ He no longer felt proud. He no longer felt excited. He no longer felt happy. He no longer wanted to yowl all the joyous emotion in his soul for the world to hear. He no longer wanted to take the first pawstep towards his new life in his frozen, lonesome land. All he felt was terror. That exhilarating thrill was gone, replaced only by fear in its truest form._

I'm going to die.

_ He was no innocent kit. He knew exactly what predators did with their prey. His flesh and muscle was already beginning to tear. There wasn't much time left before the eagle would strip his pelt off his body and devour his-_ No.

_He had to survive. He'd made it all this way. A few heartbeats ago, he had felt like the greatest cat in the world. He had, he was. He knew it. He wasn't going to let some eagle take that from him. He wasn't about to let a bird steal everything he had worked so hard for from him._

_ He would _live.

_ Snarling with the ferocity of a wolf crazed with hunger, the tom twisted around and grappled at the eagle's legs with his forepaws, digging his claws into its thick thighs. The eagle cried out and snapped at him with its sharp beak but its neck couldn't crane low enough to do any damage. The bird had meant to scare him but the rush pushing the cat to fight was too strong to be intimidated._

_ The cat sank his teeth into the soft but powerful muscle of the eagle's leg. Red splattered silver fur, standing out like a squirrel in a barren field covered in snow, but finally it hadn't come from him. He had drawn blood against his foe. Finally, the liquid of life was leaking from someone else, spilling onto brown feathers and silver fur. But the battle had just begun and the cat was losing._

_ Still in the air, the eagle thrashed. The tom's body jostled and his head snapped back. A pain shot up his neck but it was nothing like the pain in his flank so he didn't let it stop him. Struggling to find balance again, the tom managed to twist around so his soft underbelly was exposed. A poor choice in battle but he had faith that the eagle wouldn't be able to reach it. Using all four sets of claws, he scored the eagle's chest and underside before biting down hard on the eagle's tail._

_ Knowing he had hurt it, the cat found satisfaction in the eagle's cries but the elation barely lasted a heartbeat. Before his teeth had even released the long feathers, he was falling._

_ Wind slapped his face. When he was torn from the earth and carried into the sky, he had lost the support of the ground under his paws but at least something had been holding on to him. Now, there was nothing. Just him, the wind, and the feeling of himself plummeting to the ground._

_ Adrenaline had been pumping into his bloodstream, fueling every movement. It suddenly came crashing down as new sensation filled his body. Blood roared in his ears and he felt his stomach drop as weightlessness overtook him. His senses returned and he could hear a pounding against his ribs as his heart threatened to burst out of his chest. Free fall was something almost divine. _

_ Terror made his body go rigid as the cat's vision and hearing bled back into reality and the world became bright and chaotic with color and sound once more. In the grip of the eagle, he had something to focus on, both the pain in his flank and the enemy within his line of sight, but the only thing that held his awareness was the fleeting feeling of falling and the image of the ground coming closer and closer._

_ There was something exhilarating about falling but it was nothing like standing atop the mountain. The height that had previously made him feel strong and special now overwhelmed him with panic and made him feel very, very small._

_ He was alone in the sky falling to his death._

_ And somehow, knowing that hurt more than the impact that killed him._

Jayfeather's body convulsed as he was thrown out of the dream and back into reality. He jumped to his paws and looked around wildly, having the sense of sight only further scaring him. His breaths became short and rapid as his body trembled with leftover panic and newfound anxiety.

_ Am I dead? Was that real?_ He could only see in dreams. He wasn't in his nest back in ThunderClan. Had he had a vision? It wasn't impossible for him to have one while visiting StarClan's hunting grounds. _But that felt too real to be a vision. It felt familiar. Was it a memory?_

Jayfeather set that thought for now and tried to calm down. Breathing in deeply through his nose, he slowly settled his breathing back into a steady rhythm and he could finally hear any lucid thoughts that had been overshadowed by his panic. He closed his eyes, momentarily slipping back into that old darkness, and tried listening for his heart. He soon found the steady beat and let out a breath of relief. He was still alive, just not in the waking world.

Jayfeather sat back on his haunches and looked around, seeing no one. He wasn't sure where he was. He thought he was in Silverpelt but after losing his powers so many moons ago, visits to StarClan away from the Moonpool were rare and few. _And why would StarClan send me that? I was dying… And it felt like something I'd gone through before. Why?_

His brow furrowed with concentration. The territory didn't look fmailiar. StarClan's land was covered in grass and trees. He was sitting in grass but he couldn't see any trees. Only large, sharp stones jutting out of the ground. It took a few moments but when he realized it, he almost slapped himself with his tail. It was so obvious. _I'm in the Tribe of Endless Hunting's territory, not Silverpelt! That's why I don't recognize it here. I must've… I must've remembered my death as Jay's Wing._

Jayfeather shuddered. He hadn't known that Jay's Wing- Jayfeather himself- had such a horrible demise. He hadn't put much thought into his own- his past- death. When he had left the Ancients, he had learned that during his lifetime in the past, Jay's Wing had disappeared during the journey to the cave behind the waterfall but he never knew the details. He couldn't remember the details. Now he did. He had died young.

Jayfeather stared at his paws, mind reeling. He hadn't… _I didn't expect that. I can't remember a lot from back then but still…_ A chill ran up his spine and he shivered. He hadn't expected to have had such a horrible death.

"But why am I remembering now?" he wondered aloud, shifting his gaze up to stare up at the night sky.

"Because you don't have much time left," a voice said softly and Jayfeather whipped around to see a beautiful white she-cat standing behind him.

"Half Moon!"

The she-cat purred and padded to his side so the two could rub their heads against each other. Any bad feelings he had a moment ago had faded, replaced with familiar sparks of love and old affection as his heart soared. It had been so long since he'd seen his love.

The moment couldn't last forever though. After a few heartbeats, Half Moon left a last lap on his cheek and pulled away. Her green eyes seemed to glow as they locked with his murky blue ones. The sheer love that her eyes held for him always made Jayfeather question how he deserved a cat like her but he didn't dwell on it tonight. There was something important to do.

"Why did I remember Jay's Wing's death?" Jayfeather asked her, tilting his head ever so slightly in confusion. Her face softened a bit, she almost looked sad, but it was so subtle that Jayfeather almost didn't notice. "What did you mean when you said I don't have much time left?"

"Oh Jayfeather," Half Moon sighed. "I'm so sorry."

"Why?" Jayfeather asked innocently, worry prickling in his chest.

She sat down and wrapped her long tail around her legs. She looked away for a moment before facing him. An overwhelming emotion bubbled up in Jayfeather's heart but even that wasn't enough to cushion the impact of her next words.

"You're going to die."


	2. Surrounded

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Warriors

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"_So please, just look at me and smile and don't ask what's in my soul because it's filled with too many holes." _

~Kevin Breel, Boy Meets Depression

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* * *

_"You're going to die."_

Jayfeather's body spasmed as he was thrown back into the waking world. The gasp that left his lips was sharp and he hated the sound of it but he didn't let his mind dwell on it. Blind eyes wide, he jumped to his paws, heart racing with emotions leftover from reliving the memory.

Yes, the memory. Not a dream. That was real. His death had been real. Countless moons ago or not, it had happened. And now he was going to go through it again. He didn't know what to think of it.

He sat back on his haunches and tried to get his breathing under control. He had to calm down. There was no way he'd be able to figure this out with his thoughts and heart racing like they were.

"Are you okay?" a voice asked. Jayfeather jumped, startled, before he realized it was just Alderheart.

"I'm fine," he assured but his voice broke between the two words. He could practically feel Alderheart's gaze turn doubtful. Jayfeather turned his head away. "I… I'm… It was just a dream."

"Did you hear something from StarClan?"

"I'm going to go get some fresh-kill," Jayfeather said, avoiding the question. Even if he wanted to answer, he didn't know how. Was Half Moon part of StarClan? Was it even his old love who sent the dream? Maybe it was the remains of Jay's Wing in the back of his mind? How could he explain that? He couldn't. That's what. So, without waiting for Alderheart's response, he hurriedly padded out of the medicine den.

His paws hit the ground unevenly and he stumbled but he caught himself. It was morning and his clanmates were out so he knew they saw him trip but his mind was too occupied to care. _Half Moon said I was going to die. I don't have much time left. I'm going to die._

The fresh air helped him with his breathing but the eyes of his clanmates on him did nothing for the panic. It only seemed to make it worse. He hated being stared at. It reminded him of… He didn't know. It felt bad though, that much he knew. Jayfeather squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. _Calm down, Jayfeather. There's nothing for you to-_

Jayfeather suddenly ran into something. This time, he couldn't catch himself in time and he tripped over a furry body, clumsy paws getting swept out from under him. He wasn't even on the ground for a heartbeat. He picked himself up as fast as possible, embarassment finally penetrating his panic. Unfortunately, it only lasted a moment and panic quickly seized him again a heartbeat later.

"I'm so sorry," the cat he crashed into cried. Her words did not comfort him in the slightest. In fact, it only made the anxious alarm clouding his mind rush back in full force.

_Who is this? I don't recognize her voice._ Jayfeather stared at her, blind eyes blinking as if he could see. He could picture the cat in his mind. He could tell she was young, probably an apprentice judging by her size, and he imagined she was pretty flustered after tripping the medicine cat but for StarClan's sake, he didn't have the slightest idea who he was. _What's wrong with me? Why can't I remember her? _

"What are you doing?" a second voice hissed quietly. If not for his sharp ears, Jayfeather wouldn't have heard it. "Come on!"

"I just bumped into Jayfeather! I can't just walk away," the she-cat apprentice hissed back.

"He's just a crazy old medicine cat," a third voice jumped in. "Forget him. Come on."

Jayfeather blinked, the words echoing in the back of his mind. Just a crazy old medicine cat. Was that really what his clanmates thought of him? Were these cats even his clanmates? He didn't recognize them at all. _I know all my clanmates. I know what their pawsteps sound like, what their mews sound like when they're lying, how their breathing sounds like when they're upset. I know when Briarlight is hurting, I know when Foxleap is about to get into trouble, I know when Toadstep is… Wait._

"Don't just stand there, you three. Bristlepaw, I'd expect better of you," a new cat scolded. Once again, the sound of the voice only made it worse. The cat padded up to him. "Sorry about her, Jayfeather. You know how apprentices are."

"I'm not a kit, Eaglewing," the she-cat, Bristlepaw, grumbled.

"Stop dawdling," a voice snapped and Jayfeather felt a wave of relief. He recognized this voice. He hadn't woken up in a strange place. He was home. _Even if home is filled with these strange cats, it's still home. _Silently, he thanked the newcomer for saving him from the inevitable awkward conversation and, most of all, the darkest corners of his mind that he was threatening to slip into. "Eaglewing, you and Flippaw are on patrol with Birchfall and Poppyfrost. Bristlepaw, Thriftpaw, you're mentors are looking for you. Quit bothering Jayfeather and get going. The fresh-kill pile won't fill itself."

"Yes Berrynose," the four cats chorused, leaving the warrior the only one standing with Jayfeather.

"I heard what they said," Berrynose told him, turning his attention to the younger tom. "That was rude. Don't believe them for a second. You're a great medicine cat, Jayfeather."

"I couldn't save Briarlight," he blurted before he knew what he was saying. He froze at the sound of his own voice, not believing his ears, but he couldn't stop. It was like a dam holding back an overflowing river had splintered only it was his self-control that had snapped and the thoughts rushing through his mind were pouring out of his mouth uncontrollably. "Or Leafpool. Honeyfern,Hazeltail, and Toadstep, I couldn't save them. Icecloud and Foxleap are gone. And Purdy… StarClan, even Sandstorm and Dustpelt are gone. And that's not even-"

"Woah, clam down there, Jayfeather," Berrynose said, sounding a bit surprised as he gently butted his head on his shoulder. Jayfeather found the gesture oddly comforting. He knew Berrynose was only doing it because his tail was too short to rest the tip on his shoulder but this felt a lot more personal.

Berrynose lapped the fur on Jayfeather's fur, clearly trying to calm him down but Jayfeather's thoughts still raged in his mind. _Hollyleaf died. We got her back and then we lost her again. We… No, I. Lionblaze doesn't- he isn't… Lionblaze has his own kin now. He doesn't need me. He's got Cinderheart and his kits. What happened to us? We used to be so close. Just me, him, and Hollyleaf… Then Dovewing… Dovewing. Dove's Wing? No, Dovewing. She's gone too. She's with Tigerstar now, the kin I lost when I found out Bramblestar and Squirrelflight aren't my parents. StarClan, Flametail and Dawnpelt are gone too. All the cats from my kithood are gone. Even Stormfur and Brook, the two cats who always were there for me when I needed them, are gone. They live so far away. Firestar isn't even leader anymore. I'm living in a different era. It's like when I went back to walk with the Ancients only I move forward in time, one heartbeat at a time._

His mind refocused on reality as he tried to get a grip. He could still feel Berrynose's presence. _I can't believe I'm so relieved that Berrynose of all cats is here._ He suddenly realized that the other tom was talking.

"I'm sorry, what was that?" Jayfeather asked, his conscious thought returning to the real world.

"I was just asking if you're alright," Berrynose told him. "It's not like you to trip like that and you were acting kind of strange when you were talking to Bristlepaw and Eaglewing and then…"

He trailed off and looked at Jayfeather expectantly but the medicine cat took a moment to gather his thoughts before answering. _I don't remember them… That's not normal. But this is Berrynose. He's one of the few cats left that hasn't changed… Well, that much at least. The old Berrynose wouldn't be talking to me like this._

"I didn't realize there were so many new cats in camp," Jayfeather answered. The warrior remained silent. Getting the sense that Berrynose didn't understand, he tried to explain. "I mean, I didn't realize that the clan has changed so much in the past few seasons. I know I was there for all these new cats' kittings and the deaths of our clanmates who aren't here anymore but I never…"

"You didn't realize that it was so different. That the clan now isn't the one we grew up in," Berrynose finished quietly. Jayfeather blinked a few times, surprised at the heaviness in the warrior's tone.

"Yeah," Jayfeather agreed softly. "I don't… I guess I just hadn't realized it until now. I miss them."

"Me too," Berrynose whispered. He shook out his pelt, almost like he was shaking away the bad thoughts and forcing the sunshine to come back. "But that's okay. We'll see them again someday. I still love my clan, even if it's different than I remember."

"I suppose," Jayfeather murmured. _I'm going to die and I'm not even going to die with the cats I want at my side when I do it. Most of them are already in Silverpelt. Maybe…_ He shook his head. He couldn't let those thoughts settle in.

"The clan is doing really well and I'm still a loyal ThunderClan warrior. We can't have all those adventures we had as apprentices but we're still living our best lives and I'm happy here," Berrynose said with a bit too much brightness forced into his voice. Jayfeather's expression softened. _He's hurting but he's still walking with his head held high… I'm not._

"Thanks Berrynose. I'm going to go make dirt," Jayfeather said, walking away before the warrior could say goodbye. Jayfeather sighed. _Just like all the others._


	3. Looking Forward

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Warriors

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"_Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong direction entirely."_

~Kevin Breel, Boy Meets Depression

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Jayfeather left the camp through the dirtplace tunnel, something he hadn't done since he was an apprentice. Back in his youth, it was a good way to get out of camp without alerting his clanmates but he hadn't had to do anything that called for the sneakiness in many seasons. He was sure that he could leave through the bramble entrance without issue but he really didn't want to face his clanmates right now.

_Are they even my clanmates?_ He didn't recognize half of them. A medicine cat lived a life of isolation but Jayfeather was even more distanced than his fellow healers. He had no strong bonds with any living cat, nothing more than duty to tie him to the clan. He did once but the days of meeting up with Lionblaze and Dovewing to share news about the Dark Forest's plans or hear an update from StarClan were long gone.

He didn't want to look back on those memories fondly but he had to admit that a strong sense of kinship and camaraderie had come from that. He missed it. He hadn't felt something like that in a long time.

Before he knew it, his paws were directing him toward the ShadowClan border. _No. _SkyClan. He shook his head. _So much has changed. There's nothing wrong with my memory. I suppose I'm just… in denial. Everything is different now._

Jayfeather let out a long sigh and sat down, blind gaze staring longingly over the border. While he had never been particularly fond of ShadowClan, that's where Dovewing was. She was a whole territory away. Sure, they could speak at Gatherings but did they? No. They had once been friends but not close enough to prioritize each other. _Were we even close at all? She was always closer with Lionblaze. Were we even friends? Once the prophecy was fulfilled, the three's relationship broke apart. If Lionblaze and I weren't brothers… If Lionblaze wasn't Dovewing's old mentor…_ Maybe they weren't that close to start with.

Jayfeather sat down by the border with a heavy heart. Last night's dream combined with this morning's realization… _I thought I'd want to spend my last days making some last memories with the closest cats to me but all the cats I care about are so far. Lionblaze and Dovewing both have mates and kits. They don't have time to share tongues or sun with 'ol Jayfeather. And I don't have any other friends I want to be at my side at the end. Maybe dying won't be so bad. Everyone that really matters already hunts in the stars. Half Moon and I could finally be together._

His mind quieted and an odd wave of content washed over him. All morning, his mind had been a raging storm of panic, confusion, and emotion but the storm abruptly calmed and he was only left with the sweet hereafter. It was almost a numbness but not in a bad way. He felt oddly tranquil.

Something started pulling at his paws, telling him to move. Despite not understanding, Jayfeather rose and followed the path they were telling him to take. When he realized where they were leading him, he froze.

A sharp, sickly scent hit his nose. _Deathberries._ This was the patch that Alderheart had used to make his medicine for- _Who's the ShadowClan medicine cat now?-_ Puddleshine. He remembered it well. There were so many times he had come here with the intent of destroying it without Alderheart's knowledge. In the end, Alderheart's poison had saved Puddleshine but the idea of his former apprentice doing something so risky without support… He supposed it was his own fault but knowingly feeding another cat deathberries was too much for a medicine cat to handle. _Except Alderheart. He's is an amazing medicine cat. ThunderClan will be in good paws when I'm gone._ Jayfeather nosed the plant. He didn't know why his paws had drawn him here but he was filled with an odd temptation to lean forward and bite into one of the-

"Jayfeather!" a voice called. Jayfeather lifted his head, once again thrown off by the unfamiliar voice but he managed to match a name to it a bit faster this time.

"Sagenose. Harrybrook. Rabbitleap." Jayfeather nodded in greeting before turning his blind gaze to the fourth cat. He sniffed, trying to get an idea of the identity of the final cat before him. "And apprentice?"

"Wow! You knew exactly who we are and you can't even- hey!" the apprentice yelped as Sagenose cuffed him over the ears.

"Don't be rude, Kitepaw," Sagenose hissed before turning his attention back to the blind medicine cat. "We're here to mark the border."

"I can tell," Jayfeather replied nonchalantly. _Why are you talking to me? Just leave me in peace._

"Just thought you should know. I don't want you to think we're trying anything," Sagenose responded.

Jayfeather flicked his ear in annoyance. "I know you're not used to having neighbors but I'm a medicine cat. I don't really care about borders or clan relations or any of that. Just mark the border where the scent marker is and leave me to do my job."

"What are you doing?" the apprentice Kitepaw asked curiously.

_Thinking about eating deathberries._ "Checking on herbs."

"I didn't know there were any herbs around here," Rabbitleap spoke curiously.

"And that's why you're not a medicine cat," Jayfeather snarked back.

"And you tell me not to be rude," Kitepaw grumbled. The SkyClan warriors didn't seem to hear it but Jayfeather did. Afterall, he had the best ears in all the clans. _But that's just it. You're rude, snide, standoffish, and you don't even try to be nice. That's why you don't have any friends. You understand other cats, you can pick up and sense things that others don't, but you don't make any effort to connect with them or provide some kind words and a shoulder to lean on when they need it. What kind of medicine cat are you?_

Sagenose cuffed Kitepaw over the ear again and the apprentice squealed, much to Jayfeather's amusement. The SkyClan warrior clearly didn't think that Jayfeather was aware of what he was doing and that made it all the more humorous.

"What kind of herbs are around here?" Sagenose asked. "Maybe Frecklewish and Fidgetflake could get some use out of them. We still don't know where all the best herb patches are and-"

"There aren't any here," Jayfeather cut him off curtly.

Harrybrook flicked his ear in annoyance. "I thought you medicine cats don't care about borders. Why can't-"

"Because I don't want any SkyClan cats getting killed by messing with unfamiliar herbs," Jayfeather interrupted. "I was just checking on the brambles protecting the plant that Alderheart used to make his poison."

Harrybrook, Sagenose, and Rabbitleap grimaced while Kitepaw tilted his head curiously. "Poison?"

"Medicine but a risky one," Sagenose told him. Jayfeather assumed, based on their interaction, that the tom was Kitepaw's mentor. He looked to Jayfeather. "It's good that you're covering it. We don't want any cat to eat any prey that's been munching on those. Be careful, Jayfeather. You're a fantastic medicine cat and ThunderClan is lucky to have you for the coming seasons."

"I'm not stupid. I know better than to put deathberries in my mouth," Jayfeather snorted. _No, I'm not. I was just thinking about it. I would've if you hadn't come along. Help me._

The SkyClan cats didn't say anything as they started laying down the scent markers. Jayfeather looked in the direction of the deathberries one last time before padding away without so much as a flick of his tail farwell.

That heavy feeling still lingered as he disappeared from sight into the trees but shock echoed through it. He couldn't believe that his thoughts had gone that dark. _It's not even sunhigh and that dream's already affecting me this much?_ He shook his head. _It's probably a good thing I had it. Otherwise, I might've died with regrets. At least now I know that I don't have anything keeping me here._

He narrowly missed running into a tree as he got farther and farther from the SkyClan border. _What if I just left? No one would miss me and I wouldn't burden the clan by making them bury my body or sit a vigil._

Jayfeather flinched at his own thoughts. The idea of leaving behind his body for the others to look at, an empty reminder of who he was, made a sour taste rise in his mouth. He didn't know what happened when a cat died, just that they made a journey to StarClan. He did know from the SkyClan cat Tree that spirits did linger for a time if they had unfinished business, implying that cats' spirits stayed close to their bodies before heading up to Silverpelt. He shivered. He hated the idea of looking at his own body after death. He desperately hoped he had no unfinished business in this world. Jayfeather didn't want to stay away from Half Moon longer than he had to.

A cold breeze ruffled his fur, reminding him it was nearing the end of leaf-fall and the season was starting to bleed into leaf-bare. He doubted he could take care of himself if it started snowing. _Not that it matters. I'm dying soon anyway. I died in the cold once, maybe a second time wouldn't be so bad. The clan would have one less belly to feed and the moss in my nest could go to another cat._

Jayfeather's paw hit a root and he stumbled, barely avoiding a full wipe out. He stopped for a moment and suddenly realized how far he had wandered while his mind was occupied. He was now near the WindClan border. _Why did my paws take me here? I want to leave clan territory. There's nothing for me here. _

Then he remembered. He wanted to die without any loose ends but there was one he still never faced. _Crowfeather, I'm coming._


	4. Initial

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Warriors

* * *

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"_I've got too much dirt to come clean, closets full of skeletons you don't want to see."_

~Love Me Less, Max Schnieder

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* * *

"Report!" Crowfeather barked from his place at the head of the clan. He stood tall, drawn up to full height, with his black tail whisking behind him impatiently. The leaders of this morning's dawn patrols, Fernstripe and Slightfoot, stood directly before him while their patrols hung back. Oatclaw, Breezepelt, Brindlewing, Leaftail, Smokehaze, and Crouchfoot sat a couple taillengths away, looking bored. For their sake, Crowfeather hoped this report was quick. He had nothing else to do at the moment but he was sure his warriors were eager to retrieve prey from the freshly restocked fresh-kill pile.

"Nothing to report on the RiverClan border but there were some dogs at the horseplace," Slightfoot told him. The tom flicked his ear back at Oatclaw, one of the cats who had been on his patrol. "Oatclaw and Breezepelt talked with Smoky a bit. He said that they came by a few sunrises ago. Stupid things, we shouldn't have anything to worry about."

"Good. I'll tell the next patrols to keep an eye on them," Crowfeather said before looking to Fernstripe. "Anything at the ThunderClan border?"

"We… saw Jayfeather," Fernstripe started slowly. There was hesitance in her voice. Crowfeather frowned. _Didn't I always tell her to be bold? This isn't like her._

"That's hardly news. It's his territory, where else would you see him?" Crowfeather scoffed but despite his tone, he was sure that his former apprentice had reason to tell him. "Why is that odd? Did you not see a dawn patrol?"

"We did," Fernstripe said, "but not on the same part of the border. Actually, it smelled like they walked past him. It was like he was just waiting there."

Crowfeather blinked and tilted his head. "Waiting?"

Crouchfoot took a step forward, interrupting. "Quit trying to avoid saying it, Fernstripe."

Fernstripe looked annoyed at the older warrior's growl but Crowfeather didn't care. Intrigue flashed in his eyes and he leaned forward a bit. "What is it?"

"Jayfeather was just sitting at the border, comfortable as a bird. I swear he could see us when he talked to him. He had this weird look in his eyes when we came over," Crouchfoot started.

"He's blind," Crowfeather deadpanned. He withheld a sigh. _I thought this was going to be something interesting, not just my warrior gossiping about the ThunderClan medicine cat._

"I know. I've just never been close to him. His eyes…" Crouchfoot shivered. "Anyway, he said he wanted to talk to you."

Crowfeather reeled back, blue eyes widening. _What? Jayfeather wants to talk to me?_

Breezepelt seemed to pick up on his momentary panic. "Do you want me to come with you?"

"What? No," Crowfeather said with a shake of his head. He cleared his throat and took a few breaths before continuing. "It's just Jayfeather. He probably wants to ask about herbs or something."

"Then why would he ask for you and not Kestrelflight?" Slightfoot spoke up. "You should take some warriors with you."

"He's a medicine cat, not a warrior," Crowfeather responded.

"It could be a trap," Fernstripe suggested. "It wouldn't be a bad idea."

Crowfeather gave a _mrrow_ of amusement. "Right. That'll happen the day hedgehogs fly. ThunderClan wouldn't use Jayfeather of all cats to do something like trap the WindClan deputy. Bramblestar and I have always been on good terms and Jayfeather follows the medicine cat code closely. Think about the cats you're talking about before you suggest such a mouse-brained idea."

Breezepelt padded forward and put his tail tip on his shoulder. Crowfeather suddenly realized that his voice had gone high and he had risen to his paws, resting his weight on his two forepaws. He tucked in his haunches quickly, licking his shoulder fur in embarrassment. _Why am I getting so worked up? It's not like I've never spoken to him. This is probably nothing. StarClan, the clan is probably thinking all sorts of things._

Crowfeather cleared his throat and looked to his son. "Tell Harestar I'm out if he asks, will you?"

Breezepelt frowned. "Are you sure you don't want some company?"

"For StarClan's sake, I'm not a frail newborn kit," Crowfeather snorted. There was an ache in his chest, longing for another cat to be at his side when he left to face his son, but he ignored it. _I spoke to Jayfeather a few moons ago, just the two of us, when I went to ThunderClan after the battle with the stoats to ask for herbs. Jayfeather made it clear there was no warmth of kin between us. He just wants to talk to me as the WindClan deputy, not his father. Why am I reacting so strongly? This means nothing._

Breezepelt dipped his head and took a step back. "Sorry. Be careful, alright?"

Crowfeather felt a flash of guilt but he cast it away with a shake of his pelt. "Of course. I'll be back by sunhigh."

* * *

Standing at the border between WindClan and ThunderClan was always strange for the aging tom. The long, thin river streaming from the lake divided the moor and the woodland but the trees were thinner on the ThunderClan side and the field had a bit of undergrowth and oaks on the WindClan side. It was a perfect, even balance of the two clan's territory. It was exactly as Crowfeather expected anything between the two should look like.

_But two of my sons are half clan and they're ThunderClan through and through. It's almost like there's not a speck of WindClan blood in them. I suppose that's for the better but still…_

Crowfeather shook out his pelt and turned his attention back to walking. He wrinkled his nose slightly at the scent of wood- being near the forest was always hard on his sense of smell since he spent so much time in the clean, fresh moorland air- and padded further along the border. _Is Jayfeather even still here? Maybe he got tired of waiting and left. _He doubted it. If Jayfeather inherited anything from his father, it was his grouchiness and stubborn streak. Undoubtedly the younger tom was going to still be waiting and give Crowfeather an earful once he found him.

Jayfeather was sitting closer to the lake than Crowfeather expected, barely three foxlengths away from it. The silver tabby's blind blue eyes were locked on the ground but Crowfeather couldn't make out exactly what he was doing until he got closer.

Jayfeather had a number of short, sturdy sticks on the ground in front of him. He ran his paw over the bark of one with the care of a mother nosing her kit toward her belly for the first time. It surprised Crowfeather for a moment and he stopped walking, pausing to watch. He tilted his head, mystified. Maybe it was because he was his son, because he never had the chance to watch him like this, but Jayfeather's behavior was the most fascinating thing in the world right now.

Jayfeather's claws were sheathed, not coming anywhere close to getting caught on the peeling bark. He closed his eyes, leaning down to rub his whiskers down the stick before sitting back upright and flipping the stick over to do the same thing. This time, his paw only got about halfway down it before he stopped. There was a knot in the wood.

Jayfeather's soft, curious expression suddenly became hard and angry. His eyes narrowed and bit as his ears went back. In a single motion, he flicked his paw and sent the stick flying into the lake where it broke the water's surface with a splash and promptly sank.

Crowfeather took a step back, surprised. A moment ago, the tabby had seemed so calm. What had changed? _He's such a strange cat. Will I ever understand him?_

Jayfeather's sightless gaze moved to the next stick. Crowfeather wasn't sure how many he had but there were scuff marks in the dirt that implied that Jayfeather had been doing this for some time. _How long has he been out here?_

Jayfeather resumed the routine once again, running his paws over the surface of the bark. Unlike the last one, this stick curved but Jayfeather didn't seem to mind. Much at least. He frowned as his paws changed path as they slid down the stick but he didn't stop this time. He pawed it a bit before testing it with his teeth.

_Is this some kind of medicine cat thing?_ Crowfeather wondered. He didn't know of oak branches being used as medicine but he was a warrior. What did he know? Surely Jayfeather, one of the best medicine cats Crowfeather had met, would know better.

The bark broke under Jayfeather's sharp, white teeth. The tom's brow furrowed and he picked up the stick, losing his gentle touch, and tossed it into the lake.

Unsurprisingly, Jayfeather started nosing another stick and Crowfeather's paws remained planted, unable to move as he watched his son feel for the stick's flaws with care. Crowfeather felt like he could stay like this forever. There was no way his son would tolerate his presence like this any other way. If he-

The wind suddenly changed direction and Crowfeather knew the moment was over. Jayfeather was now downwind. He'd be able to smell him, Crowfeather knew it. Disappointment crashed over him and he stifled a sigh.

Jayfeather lifted his head, nose twitching. Without looking in the WindClan warrior's direction, he asked, "How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough," Crowfeather responded, stepping to move closer. He was a bit embarrassed but he knew better than to dwell on it. Father and son were still separated by the thinnest part of the stream. Crowfeather jumped over it with ease trusting that Jayfeather wouldn't mind. After all, he had been the one to invite him here. "What are you doing?"

"It doesn't matter," Jayfeather answered. He pushed the sticks away carelessly and turned to face his father. He sat down, looking as elegant as a crane on the river at sunrise, and blinked his faded eyes. "You came."

Questions about the sticks lingered in the back of Crowfeather's throat but he bit his tongue, keeping them from surfacing. "I did. I heard you wanted to speak with me?"

Jayfeather's head tilted away ever so slightly but Crowfeather noticed it. The younger tom and Crowfeather felt a flash of amusement. _He's nervous. It looks like this is a father-son talk after all, not a WindClan-ThunderClan talk._ The flash of amusement suddenly turned to one of panic. _Fox dung! I spent the whole way here convincing myself it wasn't going to be something personal… Now I have to… What am I going to say? Oh StarClan, he's opening his mouth. What is he going to-_

"Tell me about Feathertail!" Jayfeather blurted suddenly.

Crowfeather's mind went blank … _What?_

Jayfeather's eyes widened before he ducked his head, looking embarrassed. He shuffled his paws a bit more, sheathing and unsheathing his claws like a nervous apprentice preparing for training. His fur stood on end, forcing Crowfeather to realize how on guard the medicine cat was. _He's even more anxious than that apprentice of his. What's his name? Alderheart?_

Jayfeather spoke quickly, as if he wouldn't be able to get all the words out. "I know you and my, um, adopted parents went on a journey together with Stormfur and her. I was pretty close with Stormfur and I know you choose your warrior name after her and my medicine cat name was in honor of you… I was just…"

Crowfeather blinked. _That's a weak excuse. It sounds like he planned that out. _"Did you have a dream from StarClan? That would explain…"

Crowfeather loosely gestured to the pile of sticks with his tail before remembering Jayfeather couldn't see them. He tucked his tail in and felt his pelt heat up. _I'm kind of a mouse-brain but I suppose I should be used to it by now._

Jayfeather started to shake his head before freezing, breaking off into a half-hearted shrug. Crowfeather didn't know what that meant and he didn't care enough to press. He could feel a low, happy rumble rising from his throat.

"Feathertail was the greatest cat I ever knew," Crowfeather said softly. "Her pelt was almost just like yours, silver with tabby stripes, but she didn't have my build like you do. She had her father's fur and her mother's heart. She was so kind. I don't know what she ever saw in me. When we met, she was already such a great warrior and there I was, a scrawny little appetite with a tongue so sharp it could put any thorn to shame. We didn't get along at first but by the time we were in the mountains, I'm certain I was in love. And she felt the same way about me."

Jayfeather's eyes were round and thoughtful. Crowfeather could almost swear he could see sadness and compassion in them as he listened. The grey tom swallowed and let out a long breath through his nose. "What… What was it like to lose her? You saw her die. You weren't… It wasn't time or distance that put you apart. It was a cold, harsh death. How did you find it in you to finish the journey or find love again?"

Crowfeather sighed. These were difficult questions. "I don't know. Seeing Feathertail die… It tore me apart. Like my heart went raw and that stone struck it too. I don't really know how everything with your mother happened but I know she made me feel whole again. Loved. Running away with her was a mistake. I know that it was foolish. I was young and I had so many good emotions after feeling so bad for so long. I was afraid of losing what I had so I tried to… I tried to keep the cat who made me feel happy again close. I think that made it worse when the inevitable happened."

"Do you-?" Jayfeather started but he was cut off by a yowl from behind Jayfeather.

"Hey!" a cat called. Both Crowfeather and Jayfeather looked up at the sound. A ThunderClan patrol was coming over. "What's WindClan doing on our side of the border?"

Crowfeather flattened his ears in annoyance when he saw the cat leading the patrol. _Berrynose. Why is it always him?_

To his surprise, Jayfeather didn't looked annoyed. He thought for a moment that Jayfeather's eyes shone when he turned but he figured he was imagining it. Blind eyes didn't show emotion well.

"Don't worry, Berrynose," Jayfeather said, waving his tail in assurance. "We were just talking. I asked him to come onto our side. Let him go."

Berrynose looked suspicious but waved his stumpy tail to the patrol to stand down before looking at Jayfeather. "You shouldn't be here."

"And you shouldn't be telling me what to do," Jayfeather retorted. Crowfeather laughed, breaking into a rugged purr. _That's that old spirit I'm used to._

Berrynose glared at him. "You should be heading back to your own side of the border."

"Of course," Crowfeather said with a dip of his head, swallowing his laughter. He nodded to Jayfeather. "It was nice talking to you."

"And you," Jayfeather responded with a curt nod of his own.

Knowing the ThunderClan patrol wasn't going to leave until he was back on his side of the border, Crowfeather turned tail and took a few running steps to launch himself over the stream. With one last glance over his shoulder, Crowfeather ran back toward the WindClan camp.


	5. Meaning

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Warriors

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"_A medicine cat has no time for doubt. Put your energy into today and stop worrying about the past."_

~The Rising Storm

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* * *

Jayfeather padded after Berrynose's patrol with slow, quiet steps. Poppyfrost, Stemleaf, Plumstone, and Dewnose followed close behind the patrol leaders, each one occasionally glancing back at him but Jayfeather was too wrapped up in his own thoughts to pay them any mind.

Crowfeather had described losing his love as his heart growing raw. It felt like that stone had struck him too. Jayfeather's loss hadn't felt like that but the words made perfect sense. Death tore Crowfeather and Feathertail apart and a stone had been responsible. Jayfeather and Half Moon were torn apart by a prophecy, time, and a code. Jayfeather couldn't describe his pain but it wasn't something physical that caused his pain so it didn't feel physical. The loss of love felt like the blow that destroyed it.

_Crowfeather was able to put his clan before his heart and that's what got him through. That's what I did every time I had to leave Half Moon but by StarClan, it hurts. _

That old pain that echoed in his chest rang but it was more faded than usual. The desperate longing was still there but it didn't ring in his bones or quake through his body with the power it usually did. It was calm and at ease. It was still powerful but not nearly as sharp. The realization made a quiet purr rumble in his throat. _Not much longer, Half Moon. I'll be in Silverpelt soon._

Poppyfrost drifted to his side and nudged him. "Are you purring?"

"No," Jayfeather denied, killing the unconscious vibrations in his throat and pulled his face into a scowl. His efforts did little to ward off Poppyfrost's amusement.

"The grumpy badger Jayfeather is purring! You must be getting soft after all these moons," Poppyfrost teased, shouldering him.

Jayfeather rolled his eyes. "And you must be getting bold to be testing my temper."

Poppyfrost flicked her ear. "Like you could lay a claw on me."

Jayfeather snorted. He could feel Stemleaf, Plumstone, and Dewnose's shocked gazes on him. He heard Berrynose chuckle before quietly drawing them closer. The blind tom knew he wasn't supposed to listen but few voices could get by his sharp hearing.

"I didn't know Jayfeather and Poppyfrost were friends," Plumstone whispered. She paused. "StarClan, I didn't even know Jayfeather had friends!"

"Jayfeather may be as prickly as a thornbush but he's a good cat. See those scars on his pelt?" Berrynose asked quietly. Jayfeather could picture the cream tom pointing with his stump of a tail and the three younger warriors nodding, interest glowing in their eyes. "He got those protecting Poppyfrost from his brother, Breezepelt, just before she kitted."

Dewnose gasped. "Really? But he's a medicine cat. And blind!"

"I don't know how he did it," Berrynose told him, "but I know I wouldn't have my mate or my kits if not for him. He's your medicine cat too. Show him some respect and he might just save you too."

_Yeah right,_ Jayfeather thought but he pushed the thought away and gave a _mrrow_ of amusement in Poppyfrost's direction. "Berrynose's really changed over the past few seasons, hasn't he Poppyfrost? I mean, he's still an annoying furball but still…"

Poppyfrost purred as Berrynose looked up from talking with his younger clanmates with an indignant squawk. "I heard that!"

Poppyfrost butted his shoulder. "He may be a furball but he's my furball."

Jayfeather flicked his ear dismissively, feigning disinterest. _I miss this. There are so few cats left from my generation. But every cat has a mate or friends. No one wants to bother with the grumpy badger Jayfeather._

* * *

The patrol had fallen into silence by the time they pushed through the thorn barrier entrance. Wordlessly, the patrol moved to report to Squirrelflight, leaving Jayfeather standing alone.

For a heartbeat, he was aware of how far away all the cats were. There were a few patrols by the highrock, a number of cats by the fresh-kill pile, some elders sunning outside their den, some kits tumbling outside the nursery… They all felt so distant. Like Jayfeather was just an observer. _I'm not really one of them._

Jayfeather heard pawsteps nearing and his ears perked up, desperately hoping that some cat was coming to talk to him. He hated himself for it and he hated himself even more at the way that anguish came crashing down when the cat walked past him. _Look at me!_ He wanted to yowl. _Please. Don't ignore me._ He wanted to wail. _Don't forget about me when I'm gone._

He felt his breathing becoming uneven and his mind clouding but he did nothing more than duck his head and flatten his ears. It was barely noticeable but it made all the difference to the medicine cat. _Why didn't I realize it sooner? No cat gives a flying fox dung if I'm here or what I do. They're just tolerating me._

Swallowing a sigh, Jayfeather padded toward his den. He quickly realized that the cat who had passed him was heading in that direction as well. Bolts of panic and worry shot through his mind but most of all, he felt bad. _I'm a bad medicine cat. How didn't I notice?_

The sharp, irony scent of blood hit his nostrils and his sensitive ears picked up a break in the pattern of pawsteps of the other cat. The cat was limping, bleeding from one paw. Jayfeather shook away the cloud of heavy feelings and hurried after him. _No wait. Her. Who is this cat anyway?_

"-and I was just wondering if you could help me get the thorn out, Alderheart" the cat was saying when Jayfeather slipped into the den. The she-cat paused and awkwardly greeted him upon the older medicine cat's arrival. "Oh. Hey Jayfeather."

"Hi… uh, Leafshade," Jayfeather said with a dip of his head. He sniffed once. "That pad doesn't smell good. Smells like you walked on it for awhile. You need to give it a thorough cleaning before I dress it."

"Don't worry," Leafshade said nonchalantly. "I think Alderheart's got it handled."

Jayfeather felt a stab of betrayal in his chest. He knew it was wrong but he couldn't help it. _Right… My clanmates don't need me anymore. They've got Alderheart._ He could practically feel Alderheart's concerned gaze fall on him. Jayfeather forced his usual grumpy but lighter tone out and tried to appear indifferent. "Of course. I'll leave you to it."

"Oh, Jayfeather," Alderheart called just as Jayfeather took a step in the direction of the exit. "Can you take some comfrey to the elders? Graystripe was complaining about his joints this morning."

The rush of relief almost knocked him off his paws. _Thank StarClan._ Elders he could handle. Graystripe, Cloudtail, Brightheart, and Brackenfur were all familiar to him. He wouldn't mind spending some time with them.

"Of course," Jayfeather said, turning to his herbs stores to fetch the requested herb. "I'll be back soon."

"There's no rush," Alderheart told him as he began lapping Leafshade's pad, trying to get his teeth under the thorn to pull it out. Jayfeather knew he meant nothing by it but is words still caused the hollow feeling in his heart to fill with lonely despair.

* * *

Jayfeather padded up to the four elders with a wad of comfrey in his jaws. The shadows cast by the trees had previously been blocking his pelt from the warm sunlight but the elder's den was in a nice patch of sunlight and the warmth felt good. He hadn't realized his body had been so cool. _I sound like an elder._

Jayfeather set down the herbs at the edge of the sunlit patch. He couldn't exactly tell where the four retired warriors were quite yet. "I've got some comfrey for anyone who needs it."

"Jayfeather," Graystripe greeted. Jayfeather heard him make a small noise of discomfort as the aging tom sat up. "Thanks. My knees have been bothering me all day."

Jayfeather whisked his tail and, now that he knew exactly where the elder was, pushed a pawful of herbs in his direction. "So I've been told. Here, this should help."

"Thank you," Graystripe purred as he grabbed the herbs in his teeth and gratefully swallowed them.

Cloudtail rose from his resting place with a groan and ambled over. "I could use some too."

"Of course," Jayfeather said, sliding a dose toward the former kittypet before looking to Brackenfur and Brightheart. "Do either of you need anything?"

"Just some young company," Brightheart responded without lifting her head from her napping place.

"Listening to Cloudtail and Graystripe talk about the old times all day is bound to make our ears fall off," Brackenfur agreed in an amused tone.

"Hey!"

Jayfeather purred and settled down. Deep down, he continued to ridicule himself for getting so much joy at the idea of spending time with the elders. The knot of frustration in his belly kept him from being completely at ease but he took a spot in the sun close by and soon found himself getting comfortable. "I don't mind listening to these old furballs. You're some of the last of your generation. It's good to keep those old memories around."

Cloudtail flicked his ear dismissively. "The clan is filled with young cats now. They don't care about our time. It's a new era. Does it really matter?"

Jayfeather felt a familiar pang in his chest. It was true, cats didn't care about the cats before them anymore. When he was a kit, he and his littermates would love to visit the elders and hear stories about the old forest from Mousefur and Longtail. It wasn't quite the same anymore. Nowadays, he heard kits and apprentices whispering that they suspected the Dark Forest battle and even Firestar were just legends.

_My whole life used to revolve around the prophecy and the fight with the Dark Forest,_ Jayfeather thought. He suddenly felt very, very old and very, very tired. _Those days are long gone. Everything I did for the clans doesn't even matter anymore._

"I guess you're right, Jayfeather mumbled quietly in response to Cloudtail's question. He cleared his throat before speaking up. "Do you… Do you ever feel like the camp is filled with strangers?"

The blind medicine cat sensed surprise radiate off the old warriors and immediately regretted asking the question.

"No," Graystripe answered truthfully. "Even if there aren't anymore cats around from the time I was growing up, this is still my clan. It's still my home. These are my clanmates. They could never feel like strangers."

"Are you feeling lonely, Jayfeather?" Brightheart asked gently.

"No," Jayfeather responded defensively. _I'm not lonely. I can't be. I'm going to be reunited with all the cats I care about before I know it._

Brackenfur shifted until he was at Jayfeather's side and lapped his shoulder fur. "It's okay if you do."

"I know. And I'm not," Jayfeather insisted, flicking an ear in annoyance. "I've always stood alone. Nothing's changed."

"Even the loneliest wolves walk with a pack," Graystripe told him softly and the five cats grew silent.

Jayfeather lowered his head, resting it on his paws, as despair began bubbling back up in his chest. _But the loneliest wolf is one rejected from the pack, one that just trails after it from a distance. Watching, never hunting or eating with them._

Jayfeather closed his eyes. The feeling of Brackenfur at his side was barely present in his mind and he suddenly underwent a surge of vulnerability and grief. _It's been so many seasons. My walls aren't as strong as they used to be. There's nothing left for me here. How did Crowfeather ever do it?_


	6. Effect

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Warriors

* * *

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"_Will you judge me? All my ugly? I won't blame you if you do."_

~Love Me Less, Max Schnieder

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* * *

Crowfeather slowly eased from a sprint into a leisurely dawdle and took his time making his way back to camp. The leaf-fall air was cool and made him shiver when it blew against his pelt, ruffling his short black fur, but it wasn't quite unpleasant. It had been some time since he had strolled through the moor like this.

Crowfeather was filled with a warm, happy sensation as he broke the treeline and his paws hit the short grass that coated the uneven earth that made up his home. He realized the feeling was content. Satisfaction, almost. It wasn't a foreign feeling. It was quite familiar, actually. It was a subtle feeling, almost unnoticeable, but he was certain that he was more aware and in tune with this feeling than most cats. It was the feeling of safety and security a cat got when he was home.

_Home._ It had taken Crowfeather a long time to call this place home but almost immediately upon walking away from ThunderClan territory and its dense woodland, he let out a long breath and his lean shoulder muscles relaxed. He hadn't realized they were tense until he a wave of ease and calmness washed over him and his troubled mind. The past few seasons, WindClan and the moor finally began to feel like home. His heart no longer roamed, no longer longing for Feathertail in the mountains or the life he could have had if he journeyed to the sun-drown place with Leafpool. No, his heart had finally settled in his old age and found peace on the moor.

The aging warrior couldn't explain why the forest had unsettled him so much. He hadn't even realized it until he crossed the first ridge on his way back to camp. Maybe it was the trees. WindClan cats never did like feeling trapped, afterall.

In the back of his mind, he knew he was just making things up to deny the truth. The truth was that it was Jayfeather. It was Jayfeather that caused that uneasy feeling to set in and fester until the familiar terrain soothed him. The endless hills of grass, the open sky, the wispy clouds, the unobstructed sunlight on his face, the fresh scent of the wind and earth… It caused the thoughts that rampaged in his mind like a hoard of badgers to finally quiet. Crowfeather took in a long breath and let it out slowly as his eyes took in the tranquil scene. Up here, nothing could disturb him. He was alone with his thoughts and his thoughts were quiet for once.

Or they would be if a certain grey tabby stopped slipping into his mind.

Crowfeather shook his head and picked up the pace a bit as he darted down the ridge in the direction of the camp. The spotty clearing in the heather and grass had long since come into view and he could feel a tug at his paws drawing in towards it. He felt a bit lighter and he broke into a steady run, stretching his muscles. He'd been out longer than he had thought. He hoped no one was worried about him.

As he padded through the entrance of the camp, he shared a nod with Sedgewhisker and Slightfoot who were loitering near the path cut out of the heather leading up to camp. Crowfeather wasn't sure if they were sunning or sharing tongues but he didn't care at the moment. "Did anything happen while I was out?"

The pair shook their heads before Sedgewhisker offered, "The kits were asking for you. Something about wanting a badger ride?"

Crowfeather bit back a purr of affection and rolled his eyes. Applekit and Woodkit were his son and former apprentice's second litter but Crowfeather still loved them from the bottom of his heart. "They're going to be getting too big soon, don't you think?"

Sedgewhisker flicked an ear and waved him off with her tail. "Kits grow fast. I'd give them another half-moon before your old joints can't keep up."

"Give him a break, he's not that old," Slightfoot purred. His orange eyes glowed with amusement. "You've got many more moons of rabbit-chasing left in you."

"Don't let any cat convince you otherwise," Crowfeather tried to joke but his heart wasn't in it. An old, empty pang echoed in his chest. He tried to ignore it. He dipped his head and turned away. "I should get going."

The two younger warriors were oblivious to his sudden change in demeanor and murmured their goodbyes as Crowfeather padded away. He hung his head ever so slightly, letting out a long breath. _I don't think these cats know how old I really am. Nightcloud and I are the only cats left in WindClan who made the Great Journey… Whiskrnose and Gorsetail already retired and I've got seasons on both of them._

He almost let out a _mrrow_ of amusement aloud. Here he was, old enough to be an elder, and only now he felt like he was just starting to get his life together. _I know it won't be for awhile but I better have a good time in StarClan when my time comes to make up for everything I've gone through._

Crowfeather came to a stop in the middle of camp and sent a longing gaze in the direction of the warrior's den. _What I wouldn't give to curl up in my nest and take a nap right about now…_

Suddenly something hit him in the flank. He jumped, surprised, and his heart raced in a panic for a moment before he heard a familiar, high-pitch voice. "Got you!"

Crowfeather broke into a rugged purr of laughter and dramatically threw himself on the ground, rolling onto his back. "Oh no! I've been killed!"

Two pairs of paws battered his stomach as he pretended to go limp. Woodkit and Applekit were making excited mewls of excitement as they jumped off him and pranced around him excitedly. "We killed the badger! We killed the badger!"

Crowfeather rolled back onto his belly so he could face the pair of kits properly. Applekit had her mother's coloring with her light yellow tabby fur while Woodkit more closely resembled her father with darker brown hairs on her pelt. Crowfeather loved them both dearly. He could barely hold back a proud purr as they bounced around him. _This is too precious._

"Oh no, you killed me," Crowfeather groaned, once again flopping down on the ground in mock defeat. "I'm dead. It looks like this old badger can't give any brave little kits any badger rides anymore."

Woodkit and Applekit's eyes went wide in horror as they turned on him. "No!"

Woodkit began kneading his flank with her tiny paws. "StarClan's power restores you!"

It took every morsel of Crowfeather's self-control to keep himself from bursting into laughter. _This is too precious!_ His breaths became shorter and rougher with effort but he thought he was doing a good job keeping it in. He couldn't stop the mirth from dancing in his eyes though. He reached up and tapped Woodkit on the nose with the rough pad of one paw. "Now, you know only medicine cats can save cats like that but maybe if you sit a vigil with this old, dying badger, he'll get enough life back in him to give a special pair of sisters a badger ride before it's time to go back to the nursery for the night."

Woodkit and Applekit sat down gingerly and nodded with energy that Crowfeather couldn't believe they were containing.

"Where were you all day?" Applekit asked. Clearly, she couldn't keep still for long because Crowfeather blinked and suddenly she was climbing on his back. Crowfeather stifle a sigh. He knew better than to expect a kit to stay still. At least Woodkit was- _Nevermind._

Woodkit suddenly had Crowfeather's tail in her tiny jaws. Crowfeather pulled it away gently and flicked it in her face softly but the action didn't seem to deter her in anyway. "Breezepelt said you were in ThunderClan but Applekit and I didn't believe him. You're a loyal WindClan warrior!"

Crowfeather winced.

"Yeah! You're too good for those stinky ThunderClan cats!" Applekit agreed, tumbling to the ground.

Crowfeather nosed the two, trying to get them to settle down. "Now, ThunderClan cats aren't that bad. You've got kin in ThunderClan, you know."

Woodkit and Applekit stopped climbing on him and looked up at him with wide eyes. "We do?"

Crowfeather nodded. "You didn't know? I was sure your father would've told you about Lionblaze by now or the elders would have told you a story about them."

Applekit looked confused while Woodkit's face hardened with concentration as if she was struggling to remember. After a moment, her expression brightened and she went back to wriggling around with boundless energy. "Oh right! Breezepelt told us about being friends with a ThunderClan warrior!"

Crowfeather nodded and tried to get her to sit back down but Applekit had already joined her in chasing his tail. He let out a defeated sigh. _So much for that. StarClan, I really must be getting old if I just want to sit and talk instead of playing._ "That's right. Lionblaze is your father's brother."

"Breezepelt has a brother?" Applekit echoed, looking up from her target. Woodkit pounced and caught his tail in her teeth for a second time. Without reacting, Crowfeather pulled it away from her and tucked it in.

"Yeah. He's got two actually. And a sister," Crowfeather told them. _It's probably too soon to tell them about Breezepelt's littermates. I don't think they quite understand what kitting or death even is._ Crowfeather's gaze rested on the two kits looking up at him eagerly, eyes begging to hear the rest of the story. Crowfeather felt a soft rumble rise in throat.

"What are their names?" Applekit asked. "What are they like?"

"Well, you've heard about Lionblaze from your father. He's a great warrior," Crowfeather began, unsure how to start. Thankfully, he was talking to kits and kits could be trusted to do one thing and that one thing was to ask a lot of questions. _And I mean a lot._

"Has Breezepelt ever fought him?" Woodkit asked, rearing up on her hind paws to box the air, swiping at an imaginary foe. She growled, clearly trying to seem intimidating but she tumbled back, losing her balance.

"Make sure to keep your tail out so you don't fall," Crowfeather told her before continuing. He twitched as the memory of Breezepelt and Lionblaze's fight crossed his mind but that was a long time ago. They were different cats now. They had found respect for each other. He had nothing to worry about. "Yes, they've fought before. They didn't get along too well until a few seasons ago."

"What about the others? What are they like?"

"Yeah! I want to hear about Breezepelt's sister!"

Crowfeather closed his eyes for a moment, feeling guilt and grief well up in his chest as it always did when he thought of his daughter. "Hollyleaf… She was a smart cat. Too smart for her own good. And kind. She died during the battle with the Dark Forest."

"Do you miss her?"

"I didn't really know her," Crowfeather admitted. "I was never the best father. I get along with Lionblaze and Breezepelt now but it took a long time."

"Just Breezepelt and Lionblaze?" Woodkit questioned.

"What about the other one?" Applekit asked. "Breezepelt and Lionblaze's brother?"

"Jayfeather? He's a lot like me. A better cat, probably. We never really get along. We're too prickly," Crowfeather told them. _Until today that is. I don't think we hissed at each other once._ "I don't know him all too well. When he was an apprentice, we journey together to the mountains but we never talked much. Kestrelflight would probably be able to tell you more about him."

"Why? Is he a medicine cat?"

"The best," Crowfeather responded. He paused for a heartbeat then lowered his head and whispered, "But don't let Kestrelflight know I said that."

"We won't," the two kits chorused.

"Which one do you love the most?" Applekit asked.

"A father loves all his kits equally. They all have a special place in my heart," Crowfeather told them, placing his muzzle on Applekit's head briefly. "Your father is my clanmate and I raised him so we have a different kind of bond but I'm still very proud of Lionblaze and I wish I could've gotten to know Hollyleaf."

"What about Jayfeather?" Woodkit asked. She got to her paws and bounced a little bit, sitting still clearly being too much for her.

"What about him?"

"You didn't say anything about him. Don't you love him too?" Woodkit asked.

"Yeah." Applekit nodded in agreement. "Won't you be sad when he dies too? Like Hollyleaf?"

_That_ struck a chord in Crowfeather's chest. His eyes widened and he reeled back slightly. _Where did that come from? Jayfeather's a young cat. He's got plenty more seasons left in him than I do._

The kits looked confused by his lack of a verbal response. He opened his mouth to speak but his throat went dry and no words came out. Thankfully, another cat came to his rescue.

"You two quit bothering Crowfeather!" Heathertail scolded, swooping in to pick up Applekit by the scruff. The tiny she-cat mewled and struggled in protest at being picked up. "Have some manners! Now it's off to your nest for you!"

"But Crowfeather said he would give us a badger ride!" Woodkit wailed. Crowfeather felt a stab of guilt. _That's right. I did._

"Well, you're not getting one now. It's time for your nap," Heathertail told them. She put Applekit down a tail length away before scooping up Woodkit. "Come on. The sooner you get to our nest, the sooner you can come back out to play."

"Okay…" the two she-kits chorused and bounded off in the direction of the nursery.

Heathertail let out a sharp sigh before looking to Crowfeather, eyes reflecting an emotion the tom couldn't identify. "I'm sorry, Crowfeather. I hope they didn't offend you in any way."

"No… It's fine," Crowfeather said, finally finding his voice. "It just…"

"Unsettled you?" Heathertail suggested.

"Caught me off guard," Crowfeather finished. He sat up, pushing some of his weight to his forepaws. "I talked to him earlier, you know. It's been a long time. I've wanted to reconnect since the battle. We actually got along for once today. I know he's not going anywhere but I'm getting up there in seasons. I just want to… I don't know."

Heathertail was quiet for a moment and for a heartbeat Crowfeather wondered if he said something wrong. A moment later, he felt something on his face and he _knew_ he said something wrong.

"Did you just slap me with your tail?"

"Yes. Yes I did," Heathertail said with an air of swagger that Crowfather very rarely saw in any cat. He'd seen it enough to know that he was about to be awed or frightened out of his fur. He was suspecting the latter.

_This is what you get for letting the negative thoughts leave your mind and come out of your mouth, Crowfeather,_ he scolded himself. _You've always kept them up there. Your loss of love, your restlessness, your loneliness, our discontent with the clan, you kept quiet about it until the problem went away and you think about your son and your age for half a day and it suddenly comes out? I was right. These moons must be catching up with me._

"Now you listen to me," Heathertail said sternly, stepping forward. Crowfeather took a step back but his former apprentice and son's mate took another step forward and thrust her muzzle in his face. "Are you listening?"

"Yes." _Great StarClan! Becoming a mother makes she-cats scary! She wasn't this bad as an apprentice. _

"Good. Now listen closely. Nothing's going to be happening to you anytime soon so get those thoughts out of your head. You're still as fit as a field mouse and you're not going anywhere near the elder's den anytime soon. Your deputy and the clan needs you. You're finally on good terms with Nightcloud and your sons. And!" Heathertail raised her voice on the last word as if to make sure he was paying attention. Her eyes locked with his and she squared her shoulders, widening her stance as if she were about to head into battle. It as as intimidating as facing a pack of dogs. "I mean all of them. Jayfeather's a good cat and you've gotten the chance to finally form some kind of bond. Do it before you can regret passing up the chance."

"Yes mother," Crowfeather said, trying to cover up his fear with sarcasm.

"Good," she said firmly. "Now go take a nap!"

"Yes mother!" Crowfeather darted off without another word. _She's worse than Nightcloud! Has Breezepelt seen her like this? She's terrifying!_

But her words made sense and StarClan knew he needed to hear them. As he settled down into his nest for a well-deserved nap, one thought lingered in his mind. _Jayfeather and I are finally going to start acting like kin._


	7. Again

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Warriors

* * *

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"_There's something tragic, almost pure. I think I could love you, but I'm not sure." _

~Broken Like Me, lovelytheband

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* * *

_Dock… Feverfew… Sorrel…_

The soft yet rough sound of leaves skidding against loose dirt was nothing more than a faint background noise threatening to ebb into his conscious. Paws moved rapidly, organizing the herbs rapidly, pushing the leaves and seeds into new piles effortlessly. In the coolness of the morning, the scent of them was sharper than usual but any medicine cat worth his fresh-kill had long since become used to it's everlasting presence.

_Juniper… Parsley… Daisy…_

Jayfeather closed his murky blue eyes. It was an old habit. He couldn't remember when he picked it up. Maybe when he was an apprentice? The only time he would have found the need to sink back into the familiar darkness of being blind was when he walked in the pawsteps of Jay's Wing. Yes, that was it. He had picked up the habit when he lived as a sharpclaw with his ancestors. The darkness was comforting.

_Yarrow… Poppy seeds… Nightshade… Nightshade? No, those are just black berries… There's no Nightshade by the lake…_

It wouldn't be much longer until he returned to them. The thought of seeing his beloved Half Moon again made his tail curl in excitement but there was still a hollow echo in his bones. He couldn't imagine why. He knew there was nothing keeping here other than the desire to spend his last days sleeping in a warm nest instead the leaf-fall chilled night outside of clan territory. Running away would do him no good. He knew that. That thought was the only thing keeping him here. But why was his heart telling him otherwise?

Jayfeather leaned back on his haunches a bit and opened his eyes, his blind gaze staring blankly at the piles of herbs at his paws. The will to keep his muscles moving and shuffle herbs around suddenly died like embers going out in the rain. He tilted his head to one side and blinked a few times.

He wasn't sure why he suddenly stopped but he felt like he didn't have it in him to continue. Maybe later he would feel guilty and regret leaving so much work for Alderheart but in the moment, all the motivation disappeared. Jayfeather felt a flash of confusion but didn't have the energy in him to continue questioning it for long. He wanted to do nothing more than sit alone in the shadows of the medicine den, not even a whisker twitching. Sadly, all good things had to come to an end.

"Jayfeather," Alderheart said, sticking his head into the den. Jayfeather jumped at the sudden noise but managed to avoid stepping on any herbs. Alderheart was at his side in a few steps. "Hey, are you alright?"

"Yeah," Jayfeather responded. His voice sounded gravally. He realized that he hadn't spoken in awhile. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Yeah. You just surprised me."

"Well then I've got another surprise for you," Alderheart said but he didn't sound particularly enthusiastic or even happy. "You've got a visitor."

Jayfeather looked at him and cocked his head. "And why did the cat feel the need to send you to get me instead of just coming here himself?"

"At the border," Alderheart told him patiently. Jayfeather's pelt felt warm. _Oh._ Alderheart sounded amused though so Jayfeather didn't feel all that bad. The younger tom let out a light, ragged purr. "Someone's waiting for you at the border."

"Who?" Jayfeather asked. He turned his attention back to the herbs and placed a paw on the last dock leaf that he had forgotten to put in the pile.

"Crowfeather," Alderheart answered. Jayfeather looked up at him surprise. Alderheart's whiskers twitched. "I know, right? Sparkpelt was on the patrol that saw him. They thought it was clan business with him being the WindClan deputy and all so they thought when he said your name, he was just asking for a medicine cat. Sparkpelt asked me to come but he just asked for you when I got there."

Jayfeather rose to his paws. "How long has he been waiting?"

Alderheart shrugged. "I don't know. You probably shouldn't keep him waiting much longer though. His temper is almost as bad as yours."

_Like father, like son._ Jayfeather blinked in surprise at himself. _Where did that come from? He's hardly my father._ He shook his head and padded towards the exit. "Where was he waiting?"

"Kind of by the lake. He's at that place you go sometimes," Alderheart told him.

Jayfeather paused and glanced over his shoulder. "What?"

Alderheart huffed. "Don't pretend you don't. You know, that place kind of off the bank where the tree roots are on the surface? You go there sometimes to calm down."

Jayfeather hadn't realized Alderheart noticed. He knew Lionblaze did when they were just apprentices. Afterall, that was where his beloved stick used to be hidden. He went there often, it would be impossible for his brother not to notice. But now that he was a full fledged medicine cat? He didn't think he went there all that much anymore. Especially not since he destroyed his stick all those seasons ago. And certainly not enough for Alderheart to notice.

Alderheart didn't say anything and Jayfeather decided to let it go. He could worry about it later. Right now, he had more important things to worry about.

* * *

"What was it like giving up life as a warrior?"

If Jayfeather jumped at the sound of the voice, neither the blind tom nor Crowfeather mentioned it. Jayfeather hadn't quite located Crowfeather yet but apparently he was only a few taillengths away and he just hadn't scented him quite yet so the voice sounded like it came out of nowhere. Jayfeather hated it when that happened. It always made him jump, losing the illusion of composure he usually held. It let cats see past his mask, his facade. The thought of that always made his stomach churn.

Jayfeather recovered quickly and managed to keep up his usual swagger before sitting down a few mouse lengths away from the dark tom. He faced away from him, trying not to show interest even though he was dying to ask why Crowfeather had asked him here. He hadn't thought yesterday's talk had been anything special. He had no intention of trying to go at it again but here they were. _I guess Crowfeather wanted this as much as I did.. Do? Do I want to form some kind of bond with my father before I go? I thought I just wanted to talk to him. Wouldn't forming something positive be cruel?_

He decided that one more talk wouldn't hurt.

It wasn't much of a decision.

He knew he wanted it.

"I suppose," Jayfeather said, answering Crowfeather's earlier question. "It was… I don't know, frustrating? Every cat told me I couldn't do it and I wanted to do nothing more than prove them wrong and live out everything I dreamed of doing since I was a kit but… I knew that the path of a medicine cat was right for me. Everything was so much easier after that. Why do you ask?"

"You gave up your opportunity to fight for the clan, the chance to find love, and even your freedom," Crowfeather said. His voice was resolute. Jayfeather had never heard that from him. He had always gotten the feeling that Crowfeather was a cat who lacked security and confidence despite his actions implying otherwise. Right now, he sounded like the great cat Bramblestar had told him stories about when Jayfeather was just a kit in the nursery.

Jayfeather could picture Crowfeather's blue eyes probing him, searching for answers on a face with an unreadable expression. If he still had his powers, Jayfeather was certain he'd feel a flash of annoyance off the other tom. Cats often did when speaking to him. His face betrayed nothing. If he could see, he supposed he would be able to understand it but he couldn't so he refused to dwell on it. It was their problem, not his.

Crowfeather started talking again but Jayfeather took pity and saved him from giving an explanation to the question. "I was born with all of those things in my heart. Losing them tore me apart. More than once."

"What's that feel like?" Crowfeather asked. "Being torn up like that?"

Jayfeather snorted. "I'd think you of all cats would know."

Crowfeather wrapped his tail around his legs. "Losing the only things I truly valued… It was like someone clawed my heart open and exposed all the ugly inside of it that no cat should ever see."

Jayfeather turned so their eyes locked. "And that's where the bitterness comes from."

Crowfeather let out a breath. It almost sounded like a laugh. A dark chuckle, laughing at his own expense. "I suppose that's one thing we have in common, don't we?"


	8. Countdown

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Warriors

* * *

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"_People cannot win against their loneliness." _

~Gaara, Naruto

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* * *

Crowfeather stood in the shadows despite knowing that they did nothing to hide him from the tom sitting in the clearing before him. Jayfeather hadn't noticed him yet. He was once again rummaging through a pile of sticks. Even after a quarter-moon, Crowfeather still didn't know why he did this but it fascinated him. His paws were nimble and his movements were smooth. Despite his lack of sight, Jayfeather seemed to know exactly what he was doing and he did it with a focus Crowfeather had never seen in another cat.

Some time had passed since their first meeting and Crowfeather met Jayfeather at the border every day since then. It wasn't premeditated. They hadn't agreed to do so nor had either cat admitted to enjoying their talks but there was a mutual understanding between them that kept them both coming back. Crowfeather didn't understand it but it held a special place in his heart. He hadn't realized how much he needed this.

Watching him like this, Crowfeather briefly wondered if Jayfeather knew he was there and was just waiting for him to take the first step forward but he pushed the thought away. There was no way Jayfeather could know how much Crowfeather valued these moments.

The direction of the wind suddenly changed and as always when it did, Jayfeather looked up. "How long have you been standing there?"

Crowfeather purred and padded to join him on the bank. "Long enough. Anything interesting happen lately?"

* * *

"Are we going to sit here all night until our tails freeze off or are we going to head in and quit wasting moonlight?" Jayfeather grumbled, tucking his paws under him to keep him warm. He sat atop one of the ridges that held one of the paths leading to the Moonpool, the other medicine cats standing not far off. Kestrelflight, Alderheart, Puddleshine, and the ShadowClan medicine cat apprentice Shadowpaw were all waiting, the eldest of the group looking annoyed. RiverClan and SkyClan's medicine cats hadn't arrived. Jayfeather and surprisingly Kestrelflight were getting impatient.

"Perhaps we should head into the cave and they can join us when they show up," Kestrelflight suggested with a light shrug. Alderheart and Puddleshine made noises of agreement. Jayfeather could hear Shadowpaw shuffle his paws as if he was going to protest but he didn't seem to have the confidence to show any form of assertion around the more experienced healers and remained quiet.

"That sounds like a good idea," Puddleshine agreed and rose to his paws, Shadowpaw quickly following the motion. Jayfeather was a bit slower but by the time he was on his feet, an unexpected voice grabbed his attention.

"Sorry we're late!" Mothwing's voice rang out through the night. Jayfeather could hear her and three other sets of pawsteps running towards the group at a hurried pace. All four were breathing loudly but none of the breaths were particularly labored and no cat sounded winded. Jayfeather realized the sudden noise of their arrival had made him tense up. He forced his fur to lie flat and looked away as Kestrelflight greeted the other medicine cats.

"We were just about to leave without you," the WindClan tom informed them.

"Sorry about that," Mothwing apologized again. She moved to Jayfeather's side and shouldered him playfully. "I know how grumpy Jayfeather gets when it starts getting cold."

Jayfeather naturally grumbled but he was sure that Mothwing knew it was in good humor. Even if the two fought more than most medicine cats, Jayfeather and Mothwing were the eldest of the group and got along well.

"We actually left on time but the usual path we take was blocked," Frecklewish explained.

"Really?" Alderheart questioned. "I haven't seen anything blocking SkyClan off from crossing into ThunderClan territory."

"Some brambles overgrew around their usual path," Jayfeather told him. His blind gaze turned to Fidgetflake. He could hear her paws move as she shuffled them, clearly unnerved by the way his eyes steadily held a distant, unfocused look when they fell on her. Suddenly self-conscious, he turned his head slightly so he wasn't completely facing her but still spoke. "You took the path closer to the lake, right?"

The SkyClan she-cat nodded. "Right. We didn't want to wander too deep into ThunderClan territory."

"But you're medicine cats," Shadowpaw protested with a frown. "You were going to the Moonpool. ThunderClan cats can't hold that against you, can they?"

Puddleshine put a tail tip on his shoulder. "Sometimes warriors don't quite understand our duties as medicine cats."

"We should probably head to the Moonpool," Willowshine said worriedly. Jayfeather could picture her glancing up at the moon, nervousness dancing in her round eyes. "We're wasting moonlight."

"I couldn't agree more," Jayfeather grumbled and began padding down the path. Alderheart left his side and drifted to flank Kestrelflight. The two toms slipped into a hushed conversation. If he wanted to, Jayfeather could have pricked his ears and listened in but he didn't feel the need to. Instead, he fell into a comfortable silence and walked beside Mothwing and Willowshine.

They arrived at the tunnel leading to the Moonpool shortly after. Unlike the Moonstone in the old forest that he had heard stories of from Mothwing and Leafpool, there were no wear marks from the paws of medicine cats of generations of the past to place his own paws in. Still, he could imagine the indents of the ancient cats that once walked this same path. His fellow medicine cats would never know but Jayfeather would always remember the cats who once called him one of their own.

The cats took their places around the edge of the Moonpool without a word passed between them. They remained quiet, the sighted cats undoubtedly once again in awe of the moon lit water's beauty. Jayfeather wasted no time settling down and plunging his muzzle into the cool water before him.

The transition from the land of the living and the realm of Silverpelt was always a smooth one. When he was at the Moonpool at least, Jayfeather mused. Visiting StarClan when he was sleeping in his nest was a bit different but it had been a long time since he'd done that. He didn't think he had since he lost his powers. Still, he always loved the feeling he got when he lay down in the darkness of the night and blindness before opening his eyes to see he was standing in a brilliantly green field of lush grass and small flowers with starry sky stretching over him.

Only tonight Jayfeather wasn't met with the usual sight when he opened his eyes. No, tonight he was standing in a field but it wasn't one he recognized. He wasn't in StarClan's territory. _Where am I? _Nervousness and worry prickled in his belly. Jayfeather looked up to check the sky and gasped. The sky was a light blue and covered with thin, white clouds but that wasn't what surprised him. Well, partially. He wasn't in StarClan. The skies in Silverpelt weren't quite like the ones in the world below. He hardly noticed though and he didn't plan on dwelling on it today. The sight that surprised him was the massive mountain towering over him.

Normally the rough texture of the rocks and the almost watery scent of fresh air and stone soothed him and brought him back to a simpler time in a different life but this time, Jayfeathe's mind wasn't flooded with fond memories of his past as Jay's Wing or his previous visits to the mountains in this lifetime. This time, a different set of memories flooded his mind.

_Life was a fleeting moment. Breathless, exhilarating, yet so terrifying. Flashes filled his vision. He couldn't tell what they were until it was too late. The cold and pain faded as the only thing he could focus on was the ground rushing toward him, threatening to take everything away. Everything he fought so hard for was suddenly-_

Jayfeather sucked in a breath and stumbled. He widened his stance, trying his best not to fall over. His paws were still planted firmly on the solid earth below but he couldn't get that feeling of falling out of his mind. A dizzy spell overcame him and Jayfeather's body lurched. This time, he was unable to catch himself and he lost his footing, paws sliding out from under him and making him sink into the grass.

Jayfeather began breathing hard, trying to get ahold of himself. His eyes were wide and his chest heaved. It was hard to breath. He knew he was breathing but it felt like his lungs just weren't taking in enough air each time he took a breath.

Jayfeather wasn't sure how long he lay there, panicking, but he eventually became aware of another cat standing at his side. A flank pressed against his, providing support and warmth, and a tongue was lapping over his neck and ears like a mother comforting her kit. Jayfeather relaxed, letting this cat take care of him.

"It's terrifying, isn't it?" the cat questioned. A she-cat, Jayfeather realized. "Falling. I think it's the worst way to die. You have too much time to think. Knowing you're about to lose all the happiness you just discovered, thinking about what could have been if you just had a few more moons. And there's nothing you can do but watch the ground rush at you."

"Yeah," Jayfeather murmured before he could catch himself. He looked up and saw a silver tabby sitting beside him, a distant look in her blue eyes. After a heartbeat, they focused on him and filled with warmth and love faster than a riverbed in a rainstorm. Jayfeather was confused for a moment. He didn't know this cat, how could she love him? Then he found he recognized the look. He'd never seen it with his sightless eyes but any cat knew it. It was the love of a mother. Not his own, obviously, but the cat that could have been if fate hadn't ended her life so soon. Too soon. "Feathertail?"

Feathertail purred and ran her plumy tail down his spine. "I'm glad you finally reconnected with your father, Jayfeather. It would tear Crowfeather apart if you died before he got the chance to know you."

"Your death tore him apart," Jayfeather said without thinking. His own words caught him off guard and he quickly looked away. He squeezed his eyes shut, expecting Feathertail to respond but she remained silent. After a few heartbeats, Jayfeather risked a glance at her and found that those warm eyes now carried an immense sadness he never thought he'd see in another cat.

"I know. I loved him and he loved me. We never could be but we could've been so much. I couldn't let him or any of my friends die though. I don't regret my sacrifice." Feathertail shook out her pelt and her gaze fell back on the blind medicine cat. The warmth came back and Jayfeather immediately felt calmer, tranquility settling into every bone in his body. "You lived a good life, Jayfeather. Two, actually. You've done more for the clans than any cat, even the original leaders. You deserve to be remembered until the day the stars' light dies."

Jayfeather let out a long breath as a heavy emotion began knotting in his chest. "I don't deserve it. I was gifted powers and I had a second chance at life. I'm special but not a good cat. Maybe what I did should be remembered but old grumpy Jayfeather certainly doesn't. I push everyone away who I'd want to remember. No cat loves me. No cat will carry my legacy."

"No cat can love you if you don't love yourself," Feathertail told him softly.

Jayfeather snorted and gestured to himself with his tail. "How can any cat love this?"

"Half Moon loves you."

"She's different. I met her when… when…"

"In a different time?"

"When I was someone else. I met her when I was Jay's Wing, the brave and clever sharpclaw. Not blind little Jaypaw. Not the worthless apprentice I was. She's got a beautiful heart. She could love me even after this… this shell of bitterness and hatred built up around the cat she fell for. I can't though. I could never love what I've become. No cat could."

"Crowfeather could," Feathertail told him. "He's just like you."

"I suppose," Jayfeather murmured. He would never say it but he and Crowfeather shared something. Something different from a father and son usually did. They knew each other's pain. They had both leaped forward in new pawsteps and walked away torn up inside, hearts tread on by fate until they became too raw to experience life as it was meant to be lived. They had lived in anguish until they became someone else. Something else. No words could describe it but they understood what the other felt, even if they hadn't shared the details.

Guilt flooded his chest. Finally, he had found a cat to soothe and understand his pain. He was sure Crowfeather was grateful in the same way he was. And Jayfeather was going to die. He was going to leave him alone with his pain. Granted, Crowfeather had closer friends and kin than Jayfeather did but they still had something special. Jayfeather felt guilty that he still wanted to move on.

Feathertail gave him one last lick on the cheek before stepping away. Jayfeather tried to rise and follow her, his touch starved flank craving the support of another body at his side once again but Feathertail moved with the speed and swiftness of a ghostly StarClan cat. Before he knew it, Jayfeather was standing all alone. Again. _Like always._

* * *

Alderheart inhaled sharply as he withdrew from the Moonpool, the other medicine cats stirring awake around him but he didn't pay them any mind. Leafpool's words from his dream echoed in his mind and Alderheart knew he had something he needed to do. His eyes locked with Kestrelflight and words were silently exchanged between them. Before arriving at the Moonpool, the WindClan tom had expressed concern for Jayfeather and Alderheart's dream had just confirmed that it was justified.

Leafpool had been vague as StarClan cats always were but she had admitted this time it was unintentional. StarClan didn't know what was wrong but they could feel it. For reasons Alderheart couldn't know, Jayfeather was special to StarClan and they worried for him, especially since they didn't know what was wrong. That scared Alderheart more than anything. If StarClan didn't know…

Alderheart shook his head before the anxious thoughts could set in. They always got the better of him. Right now, he needed to keep his mind clear and focused on his goal, for Kestrelflight and Jayfeather's sake.

The medicine cats didn't linger for long, all wanting to head back to their respective clans as soon as possible. Alderheart and Jayfeather were headed in the direction of ThunderClan with Kestrelflight not close behind soon enough. Jayfeather didn't seem to notice Kestrelflight's presence until they neared the trees or if he had, he chose not to comment on it until then.

"Is there something you two want to say to me?" Jayfeather asked, coming to a stop to whip around. Alderheart couldn't help but flinch. He was used to Jayfeather's intimidating gaze and sharp tongue but it still caught him off guard once in awhile. Even though Jayfeather couldn't see him, he gave is pelt a few embarrassed licks.

"We're worried about you," Kestrelflight started, taking a step forward. Alderheart felt a flash of gratitude for the WindClan medicine cat. The molted tom had a confidence to him that Alderheart knew he lacked. He felt a lot better knowing that Kestrelflight was leading the conversation. Alderheart was a supporter, not a leader. He hoped Kestrelflight knew how much his help meant to him.

"Why? I'm fine," Jayfeather responded. Alderheart picked up a hint of hesitation in his mew.

"You've been visiting Crowfeather a lot," Kestrelflight said gently. "Are you having a hard time accepting Leafpool's death?"

"What?" Jayfeather looked genuinely confused. Alderheart felt disappointment bubble up in him. _I guess it won't be that easy._ Jayfeather was too surprised by the inquiry for Kestrelflight's suspicions to be the case. "No. Leafpool's death isn't bothering me… Well, I'd have to be heartless to be unaffected but it's not bothering me or affecting my duties."

"Then why are you spending so much time with Crowfeather?" Kestrelflight pressed.

Jayfeather neatly tucked in his haunches and wrapped his tail around himself. The place the trio had decided to stop was placed perfectly under the moonlight and the glow from above perfectly illuminated the tabby markings on Jayfeather's grey pelt. He tipped his head, murky blue eyes probing. "Is it a crime to want to connect with my father?"

"That's it. You never wanted him to be your father. Crowfeather is my friend and I'm happy that you want to form some kind of bond with him but this is you we're talking about Jayfeather," Kestrelflight said. "Visiting him as much as you have seems a bit…"

"Excessive?"

"Out of character."

"My business is none of yours," Jayfeather answered. His expression hardened. He didn't look angry but his face was sharper, giving him a more threatening appearance.

"I think it is," Alderheart spoke up softly. Jayfeather's head whipped around to face him but Alderheart didn't waver under his gaze this time. Alderheart took a hesitant step toward his mentor. "You've been acting strangely since that morning a quarter-moon ago. Did you have a dream StarClan?"

"No." Jayfeather's voice was a bit too defensive.

"If there's something that's going to happen to the clan…"

"Nothing's happening with the clan. The clan is fine."

Alderheart and Kestrelflight exchanged a look. _Blunt denial… Something is definitely wrong._ Alderheart closed his eyes for a heartbeat and swallowed. "Jayfeather…"

"I'm dying, okay?" Jayfeather snapped. Alderheart took a step back, shock striking him like a monster racing down the thunderpath. Jayfeather's eyes went wide as if he was surprised to hear those words come out of his mouth. If he were any less of a put together cat, he would have slapped his tail over his mouth but Jayfeather would do no such thing. The shock faded from his face and he lifted his chin. His gaze grew steady and resolute but his voice suddenly became very soft. "I'm dying, okay?"

"Bu...B.. Bleh… Hu…" Alderheart fumbled with his words, unable to form a complete thought. _Jayfeather's dying?_

"Explanation?" Kestrelflight requested. He too was at a loss for words.

"My… Ah, there's so much you don't know. That no one knows," Jayfeather said wistfully. He tilted his head back to look at the sky. "Half Moon told me I was finally going to join her in the night sky."

Alderheart was confused by Jayfeather's words but he was more confused by his tone. _He sounds… happy?_

"Every cat carries the spirit of another in their heart and that cat takes them to Silverpelt when they die," Kestrelflight murmured. "This Half Moon, is she the cat in StarClan who watches over you?"

"Not quite," Jayfeather said. His voice sounded strange and Alderheart realized he was purring. "I knew her when we- she- was alive. She was always so much more than a guardian."

"Wha… How does she know?" Alderheart demanded. Jayfeather shrugged. Alderheart wanted to yowl. _Why is he being so casual about this? He just said he's going to die!_ "Is it an illness? Can we cure it? Jayfeather, tell us what we need to do to save-"

Jayfeather put a paw on his muzzle. It didn't stop him from talking but Alderheart's mouth stopped moving. _He's never done anything like that before. He usually just tells me to shut up. He's being so gentle._

"I don't want to be saved," Jayfeather told him. His eyes flickered between the two of them. Jayfeather's eyes rarely showed emotion but they were full of affection. "I lost my love for life long ago. My heart's been in the stars since… StarClan, it's been so long. I'm not happy here. Alderheart, Kestrelflight, I'm grateful to you two and I appreciate that you care more than you could ever know but please. Don't try to save me. I want to die."


	9. Sides

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Warriors

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"_It was never meant to be… I don't regret anything. Anything at all."_

~Crowfeather, The Last Hope

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Crowfeather half-heartedly pawed a thick stick that sat at his paws. He didn't run his paw down the bark like he often watched Jayfeather do. The motion was a nervous scuffle more than anything but he spent so long doing so that he was beginning to notice the knots and imperfections in the wood despite the fact that his eyes were trained deep into the forest rather than the stick.

He still didn't know why Jayfeather did it. For so many days, he watched the silvery tabby trace his paws over numerous sticks with a touch so gentle that Crowfeather didn't think a mother nursing her newly kitted newborn could do better. But Jayfeather always tossed the sticks into the lake. Crowfeather didn't know the purpose but he knew his son was searching for something. A specific stick, maybe. He had no idea. However, he did find the feeling of having the wood under his paws to be soothing. It was a good distraction from his troubled thoughts.

_Maybe Jayfeather will like this stick… Should I give it to him? No, I don't know what he's looking for. He'd probably want to throw it away but feel bad doing it since I gave it to him. I shouldn't bother._

Crowfeather's gaze shifted away from the forest, glancing around his surroundings once more. He was at the usual meeting place. He was certain of it. The lake was hardly a few taillengths away, he could smell both ThunderClan and WindClan's scent markers, and there was a heavy canopy of trees overhead but he saw no grey fur or murky blue eyes among the bushes or woodland. He heard no sharp tongued or witty comments. He didn't smell the scent of his son in the wind.

_Is he going to show up? Usually he gets here first. If he's not here now, it's probably a sign he's not coming. I should go before a ThunderClan patrol comes by and catches me. I don't think they'd be as forgiving if Jayfeather wasn't here with me._

A strange heavy yet hollow feeling began forming in Crowfeather's heart. It took a moment but he realized it was disappointment. He'd been looking forward to seeing Jayfeather today and it didn't seem like he was going to get the chance.

"Hey." A quiet voice suddenly cut through the silence. Crowfeather's mind immediately blocked out the sound of the water, the birds chirping above, and even the wind blowing through the trees and all his attention fell on the soft, anxious voice. He looked up and saw Jayfeather awkwardly hovering by a tree at the edge of the small clearing, muscles tense as if he was about to run away.

Crowfeather frowned at his odd demeanor. Jayfeather was always filled with confidence and a type of boldness that few cats had. Right now… _It's like he's a nervous apprentice. I've never seen him act so timid. Something's wrong._

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah." Jayfeather crept forward, taking light steps on the moist earth until he stood facing his father. "I'm just tired. I went to the Moonpool last night."

Crowfeather opened his mouth to protest. Afterall, his friend Kestrelflight visited the Moonpool last night as well and he seemed fine when he saw him. Then Crowfeather realized he probably heard from StarClan and no warrior could ask a medicine cat what StarClan shared. Whatever it was, it was probably the reason for his odd behavior. He wanted to ask, he wanted to take away some of the pain lingering in his son's eyes, but he withheld. He could never do that.

"Well… Alright then," Crowfeather said, blinking away his concerns. "But if you never need anything…"

"Do you actually want to be here?" Jayfeather said suddenly. The boldness returned to his voice but it was flat and lacked the charge it usually carried.

Crowfeather turned his head, tilting it heavily to one side. "What?"

"Do you actually want to be here?" Jayfeather repeated, voice as even and emotionless as before. "With me?"

Crowfeather reeled back slightly but didn't rise from his haunches. "Of course! I wouldn't be here if I didn't. What kind of question is that?"

Jayfeather shrugged half-heartedly and flicked his tail. He clearly didn't want to talk about whatever was on his mind.

"Really," Crowfeather said when Jayfeather didn't respond. "After everything… I wanted to get the chance to talk to you before… I never got the chance to really talk to Hollyleaf and StarClan knows I'm not getting any younger."

Jayfeather visibly flinched. Hard. Crowfeather opened his mouth to apologize or reassure him, he didn't know which, when Jayfeather began making a strange noise. He got to his paws, leaning over to peer at him in concern. The tom was shaking. After a heartbeat, Jayfeather realized he was laughing.

Crowfeather flattened his ears against his head. "What?"

Jayfeather waved him off with his tail. "You wouldn't get the irony."

Crowfeather sat down and huffed, looking away dramatically even though Jayfeather couldn't see it. "And that's what I get for opening up to you!"

Jayfeather kept laughing but it sounded more amused now than before. "I appreciate it, Crowfeather. I actually wanted to ask you something today but if you don't want to-"

"Sorry. I didn't want to come across as if I didn't want to talk to you," Crowfeather said quickly. Jayfeather gave him a deadpan look and Crowfeather's pelt heated up in embarrassment. He licked his dark shoulder fur a few times, suddenly self-conscious.

"What I wanted to ask was how you moved on from Feathertail so fast," Jayfeather told him. This time, it was Crowfeather who flinched but Jayfeather didn't notice and kept talking. "She died when you visited the mountains and you ran away with Leafpool not long after."

"Are you asking if I chased after Leafpool to hide from my feelings about Feathertail?" Crowfeather asked. His fur began rising but he forced it down. He didn't want to get defensive right now. "Because I don't regret what we-"

Jayfeather shook his head. "No. I'm sure whatever you were doing… Nevermind, I don't want to think about you two like that. I just can't imagine getting over that kind of pain. I talked to Feathertail last night and I understood what she was saying so well… From both sides. Knowing you have no future but still holding onto that hope only to have it stolen from you so violently…"

Jayfeather's voice became distant, as if he lost awareness of who he was talking to. Panic and concern began to rise in Crowfeather's chest like sharp flashes of lightning. "Jayfeather… Are you in love?"

Jayfeather snorted. "Don't worry, Crowfeather. I'm no code breaker."

Crowfeather felt a bit of relief but Jayfeather still hadn't answered his question. "The things we talk about, the questions you ask… It sounds like you've gone through what I have."

"That's because I have," Jayfeather responded. Blind eyes met sighted ones. Crowfeather nearly fell over at the sheer intensity of Jayfeather's gaze.

"But you said…"

Jayfeather waved his tail again. "I broke no code. My love could never be but it wasn't forbidden. Did you Half Moon in the battle with the Dark Forest?"

"That white she-cat?" Crowfeather questioned. Jayfeather gave a nod of confirmation. Crowfeather's eyes widened. "How?"

Jayfeather shrugged. "I don't know. It was so long ago."

"But the Ancients aren't clan cats and they were dead seasons before we even knew about them. How did you even meet her?"

"Don't worry about it," Jayfeather assured him. He got to his paws as well and reached to rest his tail tip on Crowfeather's shoulder. "You've got Feathertail waiting for you in StarClan, I've got Half M- What's this?"

Crowfeather was confused for a moment then realized that when Jayfeather got up, his paws had found the stick Crowfeeather was touching earlier. "Oh… Since you always check out the sticks around here I thought I would give it a try. I didn't think you'd be interested in any stick I found but-"

"It's perfect," Jayfeather whispered. He ran his paws over the smooth bark. They met a lump protruding from the sturdy wood beneath the outer layer but that only made his paws move faster and his whiskers quiver with excitement. He looked up at his father, a genuine expression of joy on his face. "Where did you find this?"

Crowfeather gestured loosely with his tail. "I'm not really sure. It was just here."

"Can I keep it?"

"What?"

"Would you mind if I took this back to camp?"

Crowfeather shrugged. "Of course not. This is your territory."

"Thank you," Jayfeather sighed. He picked up the stick with his teeth, the white flashing for a few brief moments, and tipped his head to balance it between his jaws. Mumbling around the stick, he said, "I should go."

"Right," Crowfeather said, already stepping back toward WindClan territory. Hesitantly, he added, "I'll see you tomorrow, Jayfeather."

"I'll see you tomorrow, Crowfeather," Jayfeather responded with a smirk and a glint in his eye. He turned and casually flicked his tail goodbye. Once he was out of sight, Crowfeather couldn't help but purr as a giddy feeling bubbled up from his belly.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Hey guys, I have a new oneshot posted. It's a Miraculous/ Sanders Sides crossover so if you're interested, head on over to my profile and check it out. It's called Princes Are Always Just Out of Reach


	10. Left

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Warriors

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"_I hope it all gets dark soon… I feel better all alone in the dark." _

~Kevin Breel, Boy Meets Depression (page 80)

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Jayfeather walked away from his meeting with Crowfeather with a heavy heart. It was lighter than it had been when he left camp that morning but grief and emptiness still lingered. Emotionally, he hadn't felt his best since receiving the notice of his upcoming death and the talk with Feathertail only made him crave it more.

Life was pain and death would be the relief he needed. He just wanted to see Half Moon again.

It was more than that though. Leafpool, Hollyleaf, Foxleap, Icecloud, Purdy, Toadstep, Hazeltail, and so many other cats were waiting for him too. Here in the clans, only a pawful of cats cared about him and honestly he didn't think his death could matter very much to them. Well, maybe Alderheart. The loss of Jayfeather would mean more work for him but Jayfeather was positive his old apprentice could handle it.

Those lonely feelings began to resonate in his chest a bit louder than before at the thought. In the past, Lionblaze had been the only cat who Jayfeather really cared for. He was his pillar of strength and support. Maybe that was why Jayfeather felt like he was falling apart. His constant was gone. He had been for awhile. _Lionblaze doesn't care about me like he used to. We're brothers but more by blood than true kinship at this point._

Jayfeather's jaw muscles tightened a bit, clenching around the stick he still held in his maw. The stick was perfect. It felt exactly like the stick he had an apprentice, save the scratch marks. He didn't know when the need arose but he had felt an itch for a long time. Guilt still plagued him over the destruction of Rock's stick. He didn't have much time left and he wasn't going to waste it. Jayfeather knew he would be forgotten but the cats of the past deserved to be remembered. His past as both Jay's Wing and his past as Jayfeather.

"You look like a dopy twoleg dog with that stick in your mouth," a voice commented and Jayfeather's attention was pulled back to the forest. A quick sniff told him he had run into the sunhigh patrol.

It was Thornclaw who had spoken and Jayfeather was relieved that both he and Whitewing were on the patrol. As of late, just being around familiar cats was a comfort when the younger ones were around. He was able to identify them- the other two cats on Thornclaw's patrol were Honeyfur and Fernsong- but they still felt like strangers in his home and he still questioned how that even came to be.

In response to Thornclaw's call, Jayfeather merely flicked his ear and padded over. Setting down the stick, he asked, "Are you heading back to camp?"

Thornclaw made a noise of confirmation. "Yeah. Do you want to tag along? I'm sure one of the youngsters could get that, eh, stick for you."

"We're not that much younger than you," Honeyfur protested. Fernsong slapped her with his tail and hissed something quietly to her about respect that Jayfeather didn't quite catch. The grey tom couldn't help but sigh.

Whitewing rolled her eyes and snorted. "Any one of us is older than your parents."

Fernsong took a step toward the blind medicine cat. "Do you want me to take that?"

"It's fine. I can carry it."

"Let me," Fernsong insisted and picked up the stick. For a heartbeat, Jayfeather panicked, desperately wanting to snatch it out of his jaws and curl around it protectively. Then he realized how pathetic that was and mentally scolded himself. _It's just a stick. Not even Rock's stick._

"Why are you carrying that thing around anyway?" Thornclaw asked as the patrol began moving. The older tom fell into step beside Jayfeather, slipping into casual conversation. The two were never close but Thornclaw seemed to appreciate his presence at the moment.

"No reason," Jayfeather answered. The lie rolled off his tongue like water down a duck's back. It was easy and simple, almost second nature. He tried to keep nonchalant and shrugged passively. "Medicine cat stuff."

Thornclaw nodded, satisfied with his answer. As a senior warrior, he had long since learned that a medicine cat's duty had nothing to do with him so there was no sense in prying. The younger warriors still hadn't seemed to learn that yet.

"What could you possibly use it for?" Honeyfur asked, inspecting the stick in Fernsong's maw. "You can't use it as medicine."

"Medicine cats do more than give medicine and sort herbs," Whitewing reminded, clearly trying to tell Honeyfur to drop it but the she-cat didn't catch on.

"So StarClan stuff? What could a stick have to do with StarClan?"

"The trees are older than StarClan," Jayfeather answered ominously. He waved his tail loosely. "Don't doubt them."

Honeyfur still didn't seem to get the message. "But-"

Whitewing shouldered her and hissed something into her ear. Honeyfur closed her mouth and stopped talking and for that Jayfeather was grateful. He wasn't in the mood to deal with nosy warriors today. Heavy emotions still plagued him and he had things to do.

Thornclaw and Whitewing slipped into conversation as they headed back toward camp and Jayfeather was left awkwardly walking beside Fernsong while Honeyfur took the lead. Jayfeather could feel Fernsong's eyes on him, clearly expecting him to trip or crash into a tree. It made Jayfeather want to squirm under his fur. He hated it when cats looked at him like that. Fernsong wasn't all that young and he was his kin but he just hadn't spent enough time with Jayfeather for the two to reach the point of mutual respect at the level Jayfeather shared with older cats like Thornclaw and Whitewing. Jayfeather felt a stab of guilt in his chest at the thought. _He's my brother's kit but we never really bonded and now it's too late. Maybe that's for the better. He won't miss me when I'm gone._

Jayfeather frowned as old musings fought their way back to the forefront of his mind. Would Lionblaze miss him? He was his brother, his only remaining littermate. Once, they were as close as cats could be but many moons had passed since their kitting. Their relationship wasn't the same as it once was. They hadn't been distanced by their roles in the clan but now it felt like both stood firmly in their places as warrior and medicine cat. They shared nothing anymore. Not the bond of siblings, not the responsibility of the prophecy, not even mutual friends. They lived in the same clan but sat in different hemispheres of existence. They had for a long time.

The realization caused another jolt of pain to strike his heart. This time, he physically winced but he shook his head and choose to ignore it.

The cats were pushing through the bramble entrance before long. Fernsong had to put down the stick and reposition it to get it through but within a few heartbeats, it was in the camp and Fernsong was ready to pass it over. Jayfeather nodded his thanks and was about to pick it up when a familiar voice interrupted.

"Fernsong!" Cinderheart called bounding over. Jayfeather expected to hear his name too but it never came.

He pretended that he couldn't feel the stab of pain or the throb echoing in his chest.

"Cinderheart," Fernsong greeted. He sounded happy.

Cinderheart lapped her son's cheek. "Your father just came back from patrol. We were waiting for you to show up. We were hoping to share tongues and maybe a rabbit. I feel like it's been so long since we've talked to you."

"Of course," Fernsong said easily. "I was just helping out Jayfeather."

Jayfeather waved his tail now that his presence was finally noticed.

"Hey, you got another stick," a third voice commented, joining in.

"I noticed. And they say I'm the blind one," Jayfeather said sarcastically. He smiled and purred softly. "It's good to see you, Lionblaze."

"Likewise," Lionblaze responded, matching his softer tone. "What's the stick for?"

"Medicine cat stuff," Jayfeather told him, using the same excuse as before. Technically, he wasn't wrong.

"You need help?"

"I've got it." Jayfeather picked up the stick in his mouth and nearly dropped it. For a heartbeat, he thought he'd stumbled but quickly realized the stick just wasn't balanced. The realization relieved him. That would've been embarrassing.

"You do that," Lionblaze said, turning away. "Fernsong, Cinderheart, and I are going to share some fresh-kill. It feels like it's been forever since we spent any time together."

_You shared a pigeon with them three sunrises ago,_ Jayfeather wanted to say. _It's been over two moons since we've shared tongues. Please… I don't have much longer. I just want to spend time with you._

But Lionblaze could never hear his thoughts. He would never know. He would never know how much his younger brother desperately just wanted to talk to him. Jayfeather didn't care what it was about or if they laughed or if they argued. He didn't care if they just sat in silence. He just wanted to spend an afternoon with his brother. He couldn't though.

Anxiety prickled in his pelt. Cinderheart, Lionblaze, and Fernsong turned away without even another glance in his direction, caught up in their own little family, and padded away, oblivious to the words spiraling in Jayfeather's head that he so desperately wanted to scream out. _Come back. Please. Don't leave me alone right now._ The words didn't leave his mouth. He didn't think he could say them. He didn't feel like he should say them. His brother had a new family and Jayfeather had no place in it. He was sure of it.

Carrying the stick in his mouth, Jayfeather padded into his den. Pain spread through his chest like bolts of lightning and a heavy feeling seized his body, making his pawsteps clumsy and uneven. He let out a long sigh through his nose before setting down the stick and flopping down on his nest. He curled up, placing his tail over his face. He could work on carving the marks into the stick tomorrow. Right now, he just wanted to sleep the bad feelings in his chest away.


	11. Moments

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Warriors

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"_Don't hug me. I'm scared."_

~Virgil, Sanders Sides

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Jayfeather woke to the feeling of sheer agony spreading through his chest. It burned like someone was pressing embers against his breastbone. He gasped aloud at the pain as it seared his skin, muscles, and StarClan knows what else. His lungs screamed and he suddenly realized he wasn't breathing. Panic exploded in his belly and he opened his mouth, trying to swallow mouthfuls of precious air to no avail. He tried to get to his paws in hopes of escaping the confining walls of his den only to have them roll to the side and give out under his weight, causing him to fall heavily back into the moss and bracken around him.

"Jayfeather?" a voice called out softly. It was quiet, falling on his ears like a thin layer of snow covering a tree branch in leaf-bare. It was so faint but Jayfeather wanted to do nothing more than listen to it.

It was the middle of the night. Even though he couldn't see, Jayfeather knew the medicine den was coated in the darkness of the night. The air was cool and sharp, making the warmth of a nest all the more alluring. None of this seemed to matter to Alderheart though. He was never one to put his own comfort before others. Jayfeather could hear moss shifting as the younger tom got out of his nest and padded over to the other.

"Are you alright?" he asked, voice as gentle as before. It did little to calm the bursts of panic and alarm in his belly but it was something and that was more than enough.

"It's too soon," Jayfeather whispered, voice barely more than a breath. He reached out with his paws, searching for his stick. They met wood almost immediately and he pulled it closer but didn't have the strength to drag it into his bedding. He groaned in discomfort and withdrew his paws back into his nest. Stretching made his chest hurt unbearably more.

"What's wrong?" Alderheart pressed, moving to sit at his side. "Are you okay?"

"It hurts," Jayfeather moaned, letting his head fall back down. He tried rolling over but he gave up quickly. A numbness began setting in and his body wouldn't do what he told it to do.

"What hurts?"

"My head… My chest," Jayfeather told him quietly. He tried his best to look up at him but that just made the string of pain spread to his neck. He yowled softly, the dull pain at the base of his skull suddenly becoming sharper. Still, he owed it to Alderheart. Ignoring the spike of agony, he faced him. "Alderheart, I think this is what Half Moon warned me about. I don't-"

"Don't talk like that," Alderheart hushed, moving closer to press against his side. "You're a medicine cat. Tell me what's wrong and I can help you. I can save you. You've still got many more moons left in ThunderClan, Jayfeather."

Jayfeather let out a ragged laugh. "I already told you I'm ready to go to StarClan, Alderheart. I just… There were a couple things I wanted to do before I died. If only I had a bit more time, even a day, I might've had the chance to do them."

"What…" Alderheart swallowed. It was clear the younger tom was overwhelmed but he was keeping it together for Jayfeather's sake and Jayfeather was eternally grateful for that. The only thing keeping him from slipping into his own panic was Alderheart's steady calm presence. "What did you want to do?"

"I wanted to share a meal with my brother," Jayfeather told him, looking away wistfully. "I wanted to say goodbye to my father. And I wanted to carve that stick."

"You wanted to what?"

Jayfeather reached for it again, paws barely brushing the bark. "My friend Rock used to keep a record of the cats who died in the Trial of Passage on a stick and I destroyed it. I destroyed the memory of all those cats. I was angry and it was selfish and I wanted to make up for it. I wanted to recreate it, keep their memory from fading and maybe add some scratches for all the friends I've lost. They deserve it. All of them. Now I won't be able to."

"You're not making any sense," Alderheart told him softly and began running his tongue over his fur soothingly. "Save your strength, Jayfeather."

"I have nothing to save it for," Jayfeather told him. Another jolt of pain shot up from his heart and the back of his head pulsed. Jayfeather tried to take a breath but the breath came in short, not providing him with nearly enough of the air that he needed.

Alderheart let out a sad sigh and curled his tail around him. Jayfeather tried to pull away at first but didn't have the strength. He actually found it pretty comforting. "Stay quiet and try to breath. Just listen to my voice, okay?"

"Okay," Jayfeather said in a very small voice. He felt like a kit being comforted by his mother but he didn't care. He had no reputation to uphold. This was the end. It was just him, Alderheart, and the night.

"You're an amazing cat. You're brave, and caring, and thoughtful even though you don't want any cat to see it. You hide behind a thorn barrier of sarcasm and bitterness because you hate the cat beneath it. You think so many bad things about yourself but they're not true. You're one of the best cats I've ever known," Alderheart told him, lapping him softly. Jayfeather's eyes went wide and he tried to look up at him but Alderheart tenderly forced his head down, forcing him to rest.

Could it be true? No cat ever read him that well. There was no way Alderheart could know about the thoughts that plagued his mind day in and day out. He pushed cats away, he couldn't save the cats who mattered, no cat loved him... He thought about it constantly. He was never good enough, he was a blind burden to the clan, he-

_Stop,_ he told himself. _Alderheart's right and there's no hiding it from him or anyone else. You hate yourself, you always have._

"You once told me that you could tell how a cat was feeling from the sound of their mew and you could tell if something was bothering them by the way their pawsteps hit the ground," Alderheart told him, running his muzzle over the curve of Jayfeather's shoulder. "It's because you care about your clanmates. You've got so much love to give, Jayfeather, and it's a shame that you'll never get the chance to show it to any cat. I think the important cats know though. I certainly do."

Agony spread through Jayfeather's chest like a wildfire and his breaths became shorter and more rapid. Alderheart's licks became longer and smoother. It was enough to keep Jayfeather's mind from solely focusing on the liquid pain coursing through his veins. _Not much longer, Half Moon. I'll be with you soon, my love._

"You were like a second father to me, Jayfeather. You were my mentor and you taught me everything I know but you were so much more than that. You guided my paws through everything I've been through whether it be learning how to use a new herb, my feelings for Velvet, or all those anxious thoughts that stopped me from being a warrior. And that means the world to me."

The numbness began spreading to the part of Jayfeather's pelt where Alderheart was licking. He could barely feel it but the sound of Alderheart's voice in his ears was enough to keep him together and distract him from the fact that his sharp breaths weren't filling him with air anymore. He was beginning to feel dizzy and he barely noticed.

"You did so much for every cat you've ever touched. So much that no one ever noticed and probably plenty more that no cat ever knew about. You had so much more potential and I'm sorry you won't have anymore time in the clan," Alderheart told him quietly. His voice cracked with grief but Jayfeather gave no sign that he noticed and kept his ears pricked attentively. "So many cats love you, Jayfeather. I'm sure a lot of them are waiting for you in StarClan but just remember that I want you to be the one to take me up to Silverpelt when it's my time. Nothing will ever be the same without you, Jayfeather. I'll miss you more than words can say."

Jayfeather opened his mouth to respond but a final wave of pain seized him and then it was gone. Relief crashed over him and he got to his paws, leaving his body behind. Brilliant white starlight flooded his vision and a beautiful cat with stars in her fur stood over him, eyes glowing with warmth and welcome.

"Come, Jayfeather," Feathertail purred. She turned, her plumy tail swaying behind her as she glanced over her shoulder. "Half Moon is waiting for you."

Jayfeather didn't hesitate. Alderheart's silent sobs and quiet goodbye echoed in his ears but it was behind him now. Breaking into long strides, Jayfeather raced into the night sky, glittering pawsteps leaving invisible streaks behind him. _Half Moon, I'm coming._

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**Author's Note:** I hope I did Jayfeather justice. Let me know what you guys think.

This chapter's quote comes from the Web Series Sanders Sides. If you're a fan, you're in luck. A crossover has been posted as of today. If you have no idea what Sanders Sides is, no worries. The story is fandom blind so any Warrior fan can enjoy it. I think it's a pretty good story so check it out if you're interested in some Four vs Dark Forest action.


	12. Hit

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Warriors

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"_The closer they are to you, the greater the pain."_

~Gaara, Naruto

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Crowfeather wasn't worried. He had no reason to be, he told himself. Jayfeather had no commitment to him. He had no reason to show up. It was perfectly understandable that he didn't show up.

_But that didn't mean it didn't hurt._

Maybe he imagined Jayfeather's promise to see him the next day. Jayfeather was an independent, strong willed cat. He would never give his word out so carelessly. It was unthinkable.

_But his words echoed in his ears._

And the sad looks ThunderClan patrols _definitely _didn't make his heart skip a beat in fear each time he showed up at the meeting place by the lake only to sit alone in the shadows until sunhigh. The fact that they didn't ask him to leave _definitely_ didn't make his chest ache. And he _definitely_ didn't lose himself to his own worst thoughts as he walked home.

_Nothing's wrong. Nothing's wrong. I'm just a foolish old warrior who thought he finally found something special with his son._

Crowfeather understood denial perfectly but that didn't stop him from heading to the lakeside every morning. He didn't know where all the hope welling up inside him came from or how it resurged again each day after the disappointment of not seeing that familiar tabby pelt or those murky blue eyes. Each time that hope came crashing down, he told himself he wouldn't let it happen again. But his heart betrayed him each and every time. It always had and always would.

But perhaps tonight his longing would be eased. The idea of asking Jayfeather why he hadn't been seeing him scared him but Crowfeather needed an answer. Maybe it would help the ache in his heart fade, even just a bit.

Breezepelt stayed at his side as the WindClan warriors made their way to the island for the Gathering under the full moon. Part of Crowfeather wanted to be alone tonight but at the same time, having his son remain close to him was nice. Apprehension prickled in his paws and Crowfeather knew he wouldn't be as confident jumping onto the tree bridge if Breezepelt wasn't right behind him to catch him if his distracted mind caused his paws to slip out from under him and send him tumbling into the lake.

The pair crossed with ease and dropped onto the solid earth of the island within a few heartbeats. Corwfeather glanced around, taking in the sight. As always, it was dark due to the surrounding trees' shadows and the nature of night but the full moon illuminated the clearing. It was nearing the cold season and Crowfeather's short fur did little to protect a chill from crawling up his spine. He did his best to ignore it. He turned his attention to the cats loitering around him. Some cats were sharing tongues while others calmly waiting for the leaders to begin talking. Crowfeather realized WindClan was the last to arrive.

"The Gathering is going to start soon," Breezepelt told him, shouldering him to sit at the edge of the gathered warriors. Crowfeather dipped his head to Tawnypelt and Dovewing, the ShadowClan warriors sitting just in front of him, and tried not to be disappointed that he didn't have time to look for Jayfeather. He really wanted to talk to him. _Don't I deserve some explanation as to why he stopped showing up? We never agreed to do this but that last time he said that he'd be back. I'd think Jayfeather was a cat of his word._

When Onestar jumped to join the other leaders on the giant oak, the others murmured their greetings to him and the WindClan leader responded respectfully. "Are we ready to begin?"

"If it's alright with you, ThunderClan would like to speak first tonight," Bramblestar spoke. Crowfeather could barely hear him. Usually the tom's voice rang out loud and clear but for once in his life, Bramblestar sounded hollow. Crowfeather blinked a few times and noticed that his pelt wasn't in as good of health as it always had been and the ThunderClan leader looked like he'd missed more than a couple meals. _Something's wrong._

"Of course," Mistystar said, dipping her head to give Bramblestar a chance to speak.

Tigerstar flicked his ear dismissively while Leafstar looked more concerned. "What's so urgant?"

"I'm afraid ThunderClan has some very grave news," Bramblestar shared. Crowfeather felt his belly turn and he curled his tail inward. _Don't tell me…_ Bramblestar closed his eyes for a moment and looked away from the cats below before speaking. "Our medicine cat Jayfeather is dead."

The clearing broke into shocked yowls but they fell on deaf ears as the world disappeared around Crowfeather. His breath hitched and his widened eyes could do nothing but stare blankly at Bramblestar. _What did he just say?_

Crowfeather's mind went numb and quiet as shocked coursed through his body. He didn't know how long he sat like that, it felt like an eternity had passed yet time stood frozen at the same time. His vision tunneled and his gaze dropped to the ground, unable to focus on anything. The sounds of the forest, water, and the cats around him passed unnoticed and the feeling of the ground under his paws faded. If conscious thought had not abandon him, Crowfeather would say he felt very, very alone.

Eventually, he noticed that some cat was prodding his side. He jerked his head up to find two pairs of amber eyes on him, blinking in concern. It confused him for a few heartbeats before he matched a black pelt to the expression of worry and a golden pelt to a face of grief and guilt _… Wait, guilt?_

"I'm sorry you had to find out like this," Lionblaze said softly. His eyes shined with genuine sorrow. "I didn't know how to tell you. I didn't know if I could tell you. I tried to go to the border so many times but I couldn't find it in me to cross. I'm a coward."

"You're not…" Crowfeather protested weakly. Crowfeather expected himself to find himself angry but he was only met with a fresh wave of pain. _Jayfeather, I'm sorry._ Crowfeather closed his eyes and pressed his muzzle into Lionblaze's neck fur. "Don't feel badly, Lionblaze."

"How did he die?" a foreign voice asked. Crowfeather looked around before noticing that Tawnypelt and Dovewing were sitting in their little group. They were close with Jayfeather too, Crowfeather assumed.

"Alderheart… Alderheart said he had a stroke," Lionblaze said, voice breaking. "It had something to do with his blindness. Apparently Leafpool thought it was genetic and that sometimes causes weakness of the heart. I don't really know. It was unexpected."

"Was he in pain?" Tanwypelt asked. "Did it hurt when he passed?"

Lionblaze shrugged. "I don't know. It happened at night. I hope he slept through it. Alderheart wouldn't tell anyone, not even Bramblestar. He's taking it pretty badly."

"Bramblestar or Alderheart?" Breezepelt asked.

"Both," Lionblaze responded. His gaze shifted back to Crowfeather. "We already sat a vigil but I know- erm, I heard you started talking with him a bit just before he, um, died so, uh… Would you like to come to our territory and visit him? Where he's buried, I mean. Only if you want to! I thought you would… Great StarClan, why is this so difficult?"

Crowfeather tried to purr but it broke in his throat. Still, Lionblaze's flustered words warmed his heart. It was raw and hurting but it helped. "Yes. I'd like that."

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**Author's Note:** I would just like to say thank you for all your reviews. They're amazing but I'd like to give a special thank you to Lightning of the West. Their awesome 1,500 word review analyzed this story in a way I always hoped someone would but never expected. If you'd like some more insight on this story, check out their review. I was losing my inspiration to write and their words have helped me find it again. Hopefully we'll see more stories like this one in the future.

Someone also mentioned that Jayfeather's death seemed sudden. It was hinted at a bit before it happened but I didn't expect anyone to notice it. As said in this chapter, Jayfeather died of a stroke. In chapter 10, Jayfeather began experiencing some pain and other physical issues but he didn't notice it since he was upset. He just thought the symptoms came from emotional distress when he was actually showing signs of a stroke. Hope that cleared things up.


	13. Reeling

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Warriors

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"_Outside… threats could destroy a clan but it was emotion that could destroy a single warrior from within."_

~Crowfeather, Crowfeather's Trial

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It wasn't raining though that would be appropriate. The sky was coated in a thick layer of clouds, blocking any sunlight from raining down on the pelts of the five assembled cats. Alderheart, Lionblaze, and Breezepelt looked more put together than Crowfeather and Dovewing but grief still shown in their eyes. Crowfeather was almost surprised that his youngest son even showed up at all. He and Jayfeather were never close but it seemed they shared something strong enough to bring out a sadness that Breezepelt rarely displayed.

Crowfeather wasn't sure about Dovewing either. They were once clanmates, that much he knew, but Crowfeather didn't know the nature of their relationship. He knew Dovewing was Lionblaze's first apprentice. Perhaps they had bonded then? Crowfeather found he didn't care. He didn't think he had ever spent any time with Dovewing but she seemed to be experiencing Jayfeather's loss as strongly as every other cat there so she had the same right to be there as any other cat.

Jayfeather's grave was marked with a stick. It was embedded deeply in the ground, making it stand upright, but Crowfeather saw nothing particularly special about it save the fact the bark was stripped off and a lone scratch ran down its length. Then he recognized it.

It was his stick. Or Jayfeather's, rather. The stick Crowfeather had given him the day before he died. Crowfeather closed his eyes, feeling a fresh wave of loss. _I didn't think that would be the last time I ever saw him._

"I was with Jayfeather when he died," Alderheart began, breaking the silence. His voice surprised Crowfeather somewhat. Alderheart had always seemed like a skittish cat, never one to talk first. Today, it seemed, that would change. The ginger tom tilted his head to the sky, letting the sound that resonated from his throat carry into the forest. "Jayfeather was a great cat. There was so much about him that no cat ever saw. Losing him was like ripping off my own tail. I'll miss him until the day I die and join him in StarClan."

Alderheart's speech was short but his voice wavered. Crowfeather suspected he had spoken to Jayfeather just before or while he was dying and already said everything he needed to say. He swallowed and lost himself in thought for a moment. He had never been close with Jayfeather, what would he say?

"I know Jayfeather and I never really get along," Breezepelt said, the next to speak. Crowfeather hadn't expected it but he turned his attention to his youngest son. "We always fought but he saved my life more than once. When Lionblaze and I were apprentices, we fell into a badger den and Jayfeather was the one who cleared the dirt from my nose so I could breathe. When Lionblaze, Hollyleaf, Heathertail, Jayfeather, and I went down into the tunnels to save some lost kits, it was Jayfeather who guided us out. If not for him, we all would have drowned. And when I was injured in the battle with the stoats, it was Jayfeather who gave me the herbs I needed to survive. I owe him a lot."

Crowfeather blinked in surprise. He hadn't known about all of that or if he had, he didn't remember.

But Breezepelt wasn't finished. Shying away from the others, he looked away. "But I never repaid him. I never even showed my gratitude or thanked him or even knew how much I owed him. Back during the drought, I attacked him. Brokenstar told me to kill him and I tried. I'm responsible for those scars on his pelt and I could never look at him without remembering that day. He saved my life over and over again and I tried to take his."

Before he realized what he was doing, Crowfeather placed his tail tip on Breezepelt's shoulder. "I don't think he holds it against you."

Breezepelt snorted. "You know that crazy old cat can hold a grudge. I don't mind though. That spirit of his was what made him the cat I respect so much."

"Don't go around throwing around that word," Dovewing teased. "Hedgehogs will fly the day the clans figure out sharp-tongued Breezepelt has some humility."

Breezepelt made a sound of amusement and winked at her. "That was something Jayfeather and I had in common and it's probably why we bickered so much. We were too stubborn to see eye to eye. I think if we had more time, we could've been friends."

Crowfeather gave a low hum of comfort as Breezepelt risked a glance back at the gathered cats, clearly expecting to see glares of rage or hear hisses of anger. He was met with none of that. In fact, he was offered several smiles of support.

Crowfeather expected Dovewing to go next but Lionblaze and Dovewing were looking at him expectantly. Crowfeather blinked a few times. He'd thought he would go last. He and Lionblaze were Jayfeather's closest kin. It made sense for one of them to finish the small gathering but it didn't seem that was the case.

"Like Breezepelt, I never got along with Jayfeather. The only time I really spent time with him was when we visited the mountains and we didn't talk much," Crowfeather said. He didn't raise his voice, trusting his fellow warriors to listen. "About half a moon ago, we started talking though. I thought we'd fight and hiss at each other like usual but we understood each other. We had something special and I wish we had found it sooner or we had a bit more time together."

"I think we all feel that way," Lionblaze murmured. "If only we had more time…"

Crowfeather expected Lionblaze to go on but he fell silent. He exchanged a glance with Dovewing, silently mouthing something. She nodded in response. Crowfeather was confused by the exchange but said nothing as Dovewing began talking.

"There's a lot we don't know about Jayfeather but the clans owe him a great debt," Dovewing started. Crowfeather titled his head slightly but didn't interrupt. "It was Jayfeather who saved the clans when the Dark Forest attacked. Three cats were prophesied to have the power to save clankind but it was Jayfeather who guided the paws of both the clans by the lake and StarClan to stand against the Dark Forest. We wouldn't be here without him."

"Prophecy?" Alderheart echoed, voicing Crowfeather's confusion.

Lionblaze let out a ragged purr. "It's not important anymore. The three prophesied cats lost their powers seasons ago. Jayfeather was special but not because of his connection to the stars. I wish that we could have remembered that. We grew apart after our role was finished and I wish more than anything that we stayed as close as we once were. Jayfeather, if you're listening, I'm sorry I wasn't a better brother. If I had the chance to do it all over again, I'd protect you from all the loneliness in the world if I could."

Another fresh wave of grief rolled over Crowfeather and he didn't think they were going to stop anytime soon. His throat tightened and he placed a paw over the grave. "I too am sorry. I wish I was able to be the father you deserved."

"I could've been a better friend. It wasn't just destiny that kept us together," Dovewing said. She moved to Crowfeather's side, putting her own paw beside his. "I'm sorry we grew apart so quickly."

"I wish I could properly thank you," Breezepelt spoke up. He padded over, joining them. "I can truly say I'm happy now and it's thanks to you."

"You meant the world to me," Alderheart murmured, standing at Breezepelt's side. "You taught me everything I know."

"You were my brother and I loved you," Lionbaze said. His voice was quiet but the genuinity was the loudest thing in the forest. He swallowed and squeezed his eyes shut as if he were about to look away but he forced them back open and his amber eyes remained on the patch of earth. "I could never say it enough when you were alive. I love you, Jay. We're brothers and nothing can change that."

"We all love you," Crowfeather murmured. He closed his eyes. "Goodbye, Jayfeather."

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**Author's Note:** Heads up, I'll be out of town next week and I don't know if I'll have the ability to post on the right days so if we miss a day, it'll be up next week.


	14. Epilogue

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Warriors

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"_Warriors aren't meant to be afraid of anything."_

~Leafshade, Thunder and Shadow

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Jayfeather didn't expect dying to feel so good.

He didn't realize how heavy his body felt until he left it. He didn't realize how much emotions pained him until he was happily racing toward Silverpelt. His heart felt light as a feather, all the pain in his bones abandoned him, his pelt tingled with warmth. He hadn't realized how much he longed for this until he was almost touching it.

Jayfeather didn't know what he had expected the journey to StarClan would be like. He was running but there was nothing under his paws. He just stood on the space between the earth below and the stars above. He didn't question it for long. He trusted that Feathertail knew where she was guiding him.

The world was covered in a blanket of darkness dotted with brilliant lights. Jayfeather understood what the stars were but not what the darkness was. Even when he stood in it, his mind couldn't quite grasp it. He was about to break the silence and ask when Feathertail came to a stop.

"Do you see it?" Feathertail asked. Jayfeather was confused for a moment. He saw nothing but starlit darkness. Then he blinked and he was suddenly standing on clouds.

"Woah!" Jayfeather took a step back in surprise and looked around, the sudden change surprised him. He glanced around, seeing that the cloudy plain he stood on didn't stretch for long. It was an island in the sky and below he saw territory. He was confused. StarClan watched the lake from Silverpelt, not the sky, afterall. Then he realized that he wasn't standing above the lake.

He recognized StarClan's hunting grounds almost immediately. It had diverse terrain but was mostly just a grassy field with trees and marsh on the edges. He was too high up to see any cats but if he was any lower, he was sure there would be cats with stars in their pelts sunning, sharing tongues, hunting, and just enjoying themselves.

Beside it, the terrain was a bit more rugged and stoney but it was just as beautiful as StarClan's hunting grounds. Jayfeather realized it was the Tribe of Endless Hunting's territory. Peaks jutted out of the ground and there were visible holes in the ground that undeniably lead to tunnels. Jayfeather peered at it curiously. He could feel memories threatening to flood back into his mind but something stopped them. Maybe he'd spent some time there as Jay's Wing before he was reborn.

The next patch of land was easy to identify. This one was covered fully in trees and shadows. If he listened hard enough, there was a distant sound of wails, shrieks, and howls coming from that direction. He couldn't tell if it was the wind in the dark trees and dry leaves or cats. He shuddered, not wanting to find out.

The fourth territory confused him. He expected it to be a Dark Forest for tribecats but that didn't seem to be the case. It looked like a twolegplace almost, half of it glowing with warmth and the other covered in harsh, cold stone.

"The tribe has very few evil cats," Feathertail explained, sensing his confusion. "They just keep them in the backs of the tunnels. That over there is the hunting grounds for kittypets and strays."

"What?" Jayfeather's mind whirled. Feathertail's explanation didn't clear anything up.

"Kittypets have an afterlife too," Feathertail told him, eyes glowing with humor. "They just want different things than us. And evil twolegplace cats like BloodClan cats deserve to stay in a place as terrible as the twolegplace streets until they fade. That's what that half is for. You can probably go visit Scourge if you wanted to but Jake doesn't let clan cats wander that way very often."

Jayfeather blinked. "What about rouges and loners?"

"They wander around the outskirts. They did that in life, they enjoy doing it in the afterlife," Feathertail answered with a shrug. "What do you think?"

"It's…" Jayfeather trailed off. "I didn't expect Silverpelt to be so… divided."

Feathertail deflated a bit, letting out a long breath. "We all watch over different cats. We all have our place. Well, some of us do. Cats like you and me get to wander."

"What?" Jayfeather panicked for a moment. Did he not have a place in StarClan?

Feathertail purred in amusement at his reaction. "Don't worry, Jayfeather. Or should I say Jay's Wing?"

Jayfeather calmed a bit. It made sense. He was two cats, he lived two lives. He had two places in Silverpelt.

Feathertail nodded once he caught on. "So, where would you like to go first? Visit your mother and sister in StarClan? Or-?"

"I want to see Half Moon," Jayfeather said immediately.

Feathertail smiled at him. "I thought so. Come on, she's been waiting a very long time to see you."

Jayfeather purred. "I have too."

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**Author's Note:** Next one is the last one.


	15. Endcard and Bonus

**Author's Note:** And we're finally at the end. A shorter story than usual, I know. I wrote this story in exactly a month (30 days). Editing took a bit longer, of course, but it was a quick one. I know I could've done better (there were so many italics. Why did I do that? If it bothers you, let me know and I'll do more editing).

Special thank you to Not-So-Happy-Hufflepuff. While I was writing my story Broken Nature, I asked the readers what they wanted to see next and listed a number of options, including this one. It was Not-So-Happy-Hufflepuff whose response caused me to decide to pick this one.

Another special thanks to Lightning of the West for your kind words and your stunning review.

Also thank you to all of you fantastic reviewers! I finished this story before posting and, like I said before, I didn't spend spend all that much time on it so I wasn't too confident about it but you guys seemed to really enjoy it. I know this was a more emotional story but I'm not all that experienced in that department so I didn't think it would get the response that it did. I'm happy you all enjoyed.

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There were three core ideas behind this story. It was based off my thoughts on Crowfeather's Trial, my reaction to the Broken Code, and an idea I came up with probably three years ago mixed with something from a book I'm reading.

I got this idea while reading Crowfeather's Trial. Jayfeather's relationship with Crowfeather feels very overlooked in the series so I wanted to touch on it. They did have their little moment but Jayfeather never accepts Crowfeather like Lionblaze does and Crowfeather doesn't have any kind of relationship with Jayfeather despite the fact they're so similar. It feels like the authors were just skimming over it and the bits that were in there were there just for the sake of it existing. In all honesty, I thought that the concept of Crowfeather's Trial was a good one since it focused on themes we don't usually see in the series but the characters were written pretty poorly.

When I read the Broken Code, my biggest reaction was "wtf is happening." A lot of the old characters are still there but they have a very background role. The new characters weren't as well established as characters were during the first four arcs and I didn't feel the same connection as I did with the other characters. As seen in Chapter 2, Jayfeather's feelings about the clan come from my own confusion. He feels like ThunderClan isn't home anymore because I feel like ThunderClan and all the clans have changed too much from the Power of the Three.

Back when I first started writing around 4 or 5 years ago, I wrote this story that I never published but I had high hopes for. The thing was I didn't know how to end it. Now I always make sure I know how the story's going to end so it doesn't just go on forever and ever but back then I played with the idea of just abruptly killing everyone anticlimactically. No one would see it coming. Evil, I know. I'm not doing that. I still held onto the idea though. Shortly before reading Crowfeather's Trial, I bought this book called "They Both Die At The End." I do not know what happens in the book, I haven't read it yet, but the title got me thinking. The line used in the summary "Jayfeather knows he's going to die" stuck with me and I really wanted to write his thoughts about death.

I did not intend for Jayfeather to be so negative and angsty but Jayfeather writes himself and I like where this story ended up. He is not a happy cat and he left a life of happiness with the Ancients behind to serve his clan and live out the prophecy. He really deserves the best.

Like I said before, I wrote this story in thirty days with a two week break in the middle. It's not my proudest work but all your amazing reviews have helped me find a new appreciation for it. I hope you all enjoyed. Hopefully we'll see more stories like this in the future.

FFN says that you can't post an AN as a chapter so here's a bonus scene several seasons in the future. Enjoy!

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Crowfeather's body felt heavy. Why did he feel so heavy? And his chest ached. He didn't understand why. He just knew he was in pain.

Confusion filled his mind. Part of him knew he was in the medicine den but he couldn't remember how he got there. Kestrelflight stood over him. Crowfeather tried to lift his head to look up at him but he didn't have the strength. He could hear Kestrelflight speaking, voice desperate and pleading, but he couldn't make out the words. He tried to ask him what he was saying, why he sounded upset, but he couldn't get the words to form in his mouth and they just came out as a weak gurggle.

Paws pressed lightly against his chest and ran over his flank. Crowfeather tried to push him away but he didn't have enough control over his body to make any gestures to say so. He knew that should have been a sign something was wrong but his thoughts were too unclear for him to notice.

Eventually, Kestrelflight gave up and just say beside him, running his tail over his spine. Crowfeather still couldn't understand him- his ears had long since started ringing by now- but his tone had become soft and comforting. It made Crowfeather relax a bit and his muscles let go of any tension they'd been holding, letting him collapse in the moss. He was already lying down but somehow he just felt so much better now that he wasn't struggling. How easy it would be to just let go…

Crowfeather took a breath and suddenly he felt light. The pain that had been clawing at him mere moments ago faded and his mind became clearer than the lake on a greenleaf morning. He rose to his paws, the stars of his own pelt visible in the corners of his vision, and looked around. A silver furred, star pelted tabby with brilliantly blue eyes was watching him.

"Jayfeather…" Crowfeather breathed, grief welling up in his throat. It had been so long since he'd seen his son. Were they finally going to be reunited?

"It's time to go home," Jayfeather told him softly and Crowfeather's heart soared. He was going home. "Feathertail, Leafpool, and Hollyleaf have been waiting a long time to see you. Are you ready to see them?"

Crowfeather nodded without hesitation. He'd wanted this for so long. He knew he was leaving behind Nightcloud, Breezepelt, Lionblaze, and Heathertail but he didn't care. He just wanted to see the cats who'd left him behind.

Jayfeather broke into a soft purr and turned, beckoning him with his tail. "Come on. It's a long way to Silverpelt."


End file.
